Did I Do Something Wrong?

When you think things can't get any worse, they always do. I'm not going to make my life seem all hunky dory because it's not. I'm struggling to make my relationship with Vince work. He always has to be right about everything. I'm getting tired of dealing with it all the time. My parents left for vacation today so yesterday I was visiting them with Logan and I stayed for dinner and then we all played a board game afterwards. My older brother was also there and we managed to get along pretty good which is rare. I really enjoyed spending time with them and knowing I wouldn't see them all for over a week made me not want to leave. While I was there I got a call from the health dept. telling me that they wanted to do a walkthrough of my house tomorrow to figure out what needed to be done about the lead. They were coming at 9am the next day. I called Vince to let him know they would be coming and he asked if I would be coming home soon so we could clean up the house. I told him I wanted to stay for a bit since they were leaving on vacation. So the night goes great. I load Logan into the car and head home and call Vince to let him know I had left. He procceds to get very angry with me for not coming home sooner and then hangs up the phone. I get home and the house is a mess!! He hadn't done a single thing. He couldn't even throw away the little bit of garbage that was in the living room. He didn't clean up after himself from his dinner and just left his pork chop bones sitting on the counter in the kitchen!! UGH!!! Why couldn't he have done anything?! I start cleaning up and yell at him for not doing anything. He's like, "You didn't come home on time so I didn't want to do anything" Meaning he's too selfish to do it himself and makes me clean it all. We went to bed mad at eachother and this morning he was still being an ahole. He throws his clothes around and knocks over the fan. I didn't make him breakfast or lunch I was so pissed with him!! When he gets out to the car he calls me and says that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, we just aren't working out. I seriously can't stand him sometimes, but I don't want to break up because Logan is WAY more important to me than anything else in this world. I really would like him to have a daddy and not have to go between houses. Vince rarely sees his other son and I don't want that to happen to Logan, he deserves better from a dad. I have been putting all of my energy into this relationship trying to make it work, but Vince is just like la di da about it. He really doesn't care. I'm at my wits end with everything. I don't know what to do. Logan doesn't deserve this, maybe I should have put him up for adoption.

Growing Up

Wow, I cannot believe that Logan is just over 4 months now. Time is going by way too fast. It's so awesome though to watch him grow. He's laughing and rolling over and grabbing at everything now. He is just such a joy! This coming up weekend is the Fourth of July and it will be Logan's first fireworks. I still remember last year's July 4th was when I told my friends that I was pregnant. That was a scary and very stressful time for me. I'm glad all that is behind me and now I have my amazing little boy. I have both the digital camera and the video camera all charged up for Saturday. I hope he likes the fireworks, but he isn't a fan of the loud noises so we'll just have to wait and see.

Nothing too exciting has been going on lately, other than Logan growing like a weed. I have, however, finally made up my mind that I am going back to school. I can't raise Logan like this. We live below the poverty line and I don't want him knowing we are poor. Vince doesn't have a hs diploma and doesn't want to take his GED so it seems I am the one stuck going to school and getting the good job. I would love for Vince to be the one making the money and letting me stay home with Logan, but it doesn't look like that will ever happen. I love Vince, but sometimes I really wish he would better assert himself. I am planning on applying for the physical therapy assistant program. I went and talked to an adviser and she said they only have 24 spots available every year and last year 54 people applied. So I'm guessing I probably won't get into the 2010 program, but will probably get into the 2011. There is a dilema that I am mulling over in my head. If I get into the 2011 program Logan will be 2. The program is two years long so when I finish Logan will be 4. I always wanted my children to be close in age just because they seem to enjoy a sibling that isn't a lot younger than them. I'm 3 yrs younger than my brother and we got along great as kids. My sister is 6 years younger than me and we didn't get along so great. I'm just afraid that I won't be able to have another baby until Logan is at least 5 years old and I hate that. Obviously, I can't have a a baby while I'm in school so it's just going to have to wait until I finish school, get a job and hold it for at least a year. This really bothers me. What do you think? Another thing with this is, Logan will be an only child(he has a half brother, but I don't know how close they'll be) and I'm afraid that he might become very angry when he finds out he is going to have to share mommy and daddy after 5 years of having us to himself. I can't put school on hold any longer, I will already be 28 by the time I graduate and that is too long in itself. So here I go, finally growing up. Becoming a parent changes your perspective of EVERYTHING!!!!