Am I Crazy?

This is a really random post, but I'm awake and this is what is on my mind. I have a constant fear of Logan dying. Is this normal? I really don't think so. I'm scared he's going to fall from the top of the stairs and break his neck. We have a gate, but it still worries me. I'm scared he's going to stop breathing and die in his sleep. I'm scared the crib will break(like the ones that are being recalled) and he will get stuck between the side of the crib and mattress and suffocate. I'm scared going out to the car in the dark, afraid that someone will shoot us. When I left him at my parents on Black Friday, I was scared something would happen to him even though I know my parents are very capable of taking care of a baby. I don't like having this fear. It doesn't keep me awake at night...well I guess tonight it is. I want to go check on him, but the door doesn't latch right so if I try and open his door it will be very noisy and wake him. And I can't leave it cracked open because the house isn't level and the door just swings wide open. Maybe it's the hormones, but it's been 9 months since I had him, shouldn't these hormones have subsided by now? I couldn't find anything online about this so I don't know what's bugging me. I just love him sooo much and would be heartbroken if anything ever happened to him. I don't think I would have such a fear about being shot if we didn't live in Peoria. I hate this city. Seriously, is there something wrong with me?

I Knew It

Well the car has been acting up, just like I knew it would. Something bad had to happen. The tires were all messed up and the car shook really bad, it almost felt like a tire was about to fall off. My dad gave me a Christmas present early and paid for all new tires!! I love my dad. Unfortunately that isn't all. The brakes are bad and so the anti-lock brakes aren't working right now and my coolant is leaking somewhere, which means I have no heat. And that really sucks when I wake up at 5am to get to work. It's really cold in the morning and with no heat in the car, it doesn't make for a very pleasant drive. We have to keep adding more coolant to the radiator because I don't want to drive without heat when Logan is in the car.

Vince and I went shopping on Black Friday and it was actually pretty productive. We got almost half of all the presents bought, but some things we wanted to get were sold out before we got there. So I'll just have to find something else to buy for those family members, no big deal. It wasn't too bad either. Logan stayed at my parent's house Thanksgiving night so we wouldn't have to get him up in the middle of the night and take him to one of the grandparent's to be watched. I was actually surprised to see so many little kids out on Black Friday. We woke up at 3am and headed to Toys R Us. They had opened at midnight though and everything that we wanted to get there was sold out. So we headed to Sears which opened at 4am, got a few things. Next was Walmart. I was little nervous about going here since they are SOOO busy. The parking lot was packed so we parked at Radioshack instead. This year Walmart allowed people to stand next to the item they wanted, but weren't allowed to put anything in their carts until 5am. I got what I wanted since a lady in front of me grabbed two of this item(I can't say what because it's someone's present) and handed me one. See, there are civilized people who shop :) We stood in the checkout line for almost 45 minutes though because someone was complaining about the price of things and made someone go back and get her what she wanted. That was annoying. We went to Menards right across the street and got in and out pretty fast. At this point we were heading to get some breakfast and Vince noticed an SUV behind us that appeared to be passing us, but it just stayed in the other lane, hit a guard rail and almost hit an oncoming car, but got out of the way just in time by going into a ditch. I'm guessing he fell asleep, but that was kinda freaky. After that we went to Farm N' Fleet and got my tires, but stood in line for over an hour and then spent the afternoon at my parent's waiting for them to put my tires on. So all in all, it was a good day.

On my previous post, I talked about how Vince wasn't helping me out with house work and such. Make no mistake, he is a wonderful father. Logan loves him very, very much and it's so obvious. I've been making cereal for Logan in the morning and then he goes down for his first nap at which time I leave for work. When I come home, Vince has fed Logan his lunch and he's using real food :) He has a bottle and then has his afternoon nap. I get home soon after Logan wakes up and feeds him dinner. And we've discovered he LOVES table food. At Thanksgiving he had the works, turkey, stuffing, green beans, gravy, cranberrys and even some pumpkin pie...everything was all ground up of course. Now my issue is the sippy cup. I've bought two different cups. Nuk and Nubby. He doesn't like Nubby at all, but since his bottles are already Nuk he took to that one a little better, but now he's not liking it. I'm not sure what to do about this because I don't want him to use the bottle too much longer, he'll be one in three months. He also doesn't know how to tip his head back in order to get the drink when there isn't much in the cup. If I hold it, he can do it, but when he holds it..not a chance. Any ideas on that one?

Mommy Time

When Logan was first born, I loved holding him and being a stay at home mom and just being able to be with him all the time. I didn't think I would ever not want to be with him. Well, the time has come and honestly even thinking about it makes me feel like a bad mom. When I stayed at home I was able to take care of Logan and the house and not have to worry about the stress of work. Easy enough, but Logan was only a few months old too, makes a big difference. Once I got my job and then started going back to school, I HATED being away from Logan. I still do. But then Vince got laid off so he would take over my responsibilities...or so I thought. I go to school Mon-Thurs. I work Fri-Sun. I don't have a day where I can just lay around and say, "I have nothing to do today" On the days that I go to school, I feed Logan food..not bottles for every meal, which Vince likes to do and I keep telling him not to. That bugs me!! I also do the dishes, clean the house, play with Logan and check on my facebook. What a glamorous life :) I make dinner and then go to class for two and half hours and then come home. Sometimes Logan is in bed...sometimes not. On the days that I work, I get up and feed Logan while Vince is still sleeping..even though it's 9:30 in the morning. He doesn't need to be up all night on the computer. But this is only on the days I work at 10:30, when I work at 6am, Vince has to feed Logan breakfast, but he feeds him bottles because he's 'too tired to mix up some cereal and fruit for him'. Are you friggin kidding me?! I do it everyday, why can't he? Anway, on those days I come home from work and Vince hands Logan over to me and then expects me to take up my regular duties of cleaning and cooking dinner. Well I'm tired when I get home!!! I don't want to do dishes and make dinner, why couldn't he do that while I was working? It's not like I ask that much of him. Yes, Logan is a handful now that he's moving..but it's such a joy to be there with him. I would gladly trade spots with Vince...I want to be a stay at home mommy again. I've already missed a couple of firsts:( But Vince doesn't get that. Maybe it's just how men are.

My point is...I'm getting burnt out!! I need a break. Working and school and taking care of Logan. I never get a break. I just want one day all to myself. No Vince, no Logan, no work, no school, no nothing...but is that ever going to happen, doubtful. I wish for once I could come home to a clean house. I hate walking into the kitchen and there's dirty dishes and garbage and other crap. But Vince doesn't clean. And honestly this is wearing on my relationship. I haven't told him, but he can tell something is bothering me. I'm just so tired all the time. I can't believe I'm still up actually, but tomorrow is my day off so I want to enjoy my evening. Sometimes thinking about getting married isn't something I really want to do with Vince. I don't believe in divorce and once we're married, it's final. Don't try to tell me otherwise...that's how I was raised. Do I really want to be married to man that won't do little things for me to make me feel special? Or clean the house to suprise me, not even clean the house...clean one room, even that would be appreciated. I don't know, this blog isn't what I was planning on writing, it just sort of got here by itself. It's just something in the back of my mind, but I love Logan and I don't want him growing up going between houses. I would give up my happiness for him, but what parent wouldn't. Ok, I'm getting exhausted just writing this..I'm going to bed.

Time Flies

Once again I'm having trouble staying on top of my blog. Sorry. This past week at work has been somewhat eventful. I wasn't there at the time, but heard about this second hand. I guess one of the dishwashers came into work with swollen and blistered hands. He was sent home and the kitchen was quarantined. Management didn't let anyone know what was going on, just that they had to re sanitize the dishes, use antibacterial hand gel and use styrofoam dishes instead of the glass ones. The manager of the kitchen even told the workers that if she knew what was going on, she would tell us. That was a lie. One of the servers used to work at a day care where the kids broke out with these same rashes on their hands. She knew what it was and told others it was Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease. It is extremely contagious. The thing with it though is that kids are more likely to get this disease and yet none of the workers were told what was going on. Many of them have kids and could have taken it home to them. That would be terrible and yet they still expected servers to be ok with it. Yeah right!! I'm glad I wasn't there. How can you run a business and not let the workers know what is going on. Don't we have the right to know? I'm seriously getting sick and tired of this place!! I continue applying to other places, but still haven't gotten any bites. Hopefully soon.

On another note, Logan has had a rash for three weeks. I thought it was a diaper rash and was using desitin like crazy. It wasn't working. I called the doctor and they prescribed me some RX cream. So we tried that and then I did a little research and discovered Logan doesn't have just a normal rash, it's a yeast infection. So I call the doctor up the next day and tell them I think it's yeast and was told the cream I was prescribed works on yeast, but I should also try mixing in some hydrocortizone. Did that and then he started getting diarreha, which is making the rash worse and won't give it time to heal. So I call the doctor up again...by this time I really just wanted to go in, but they must be swamped with flu patients because they just gave me some directions over the phone. They said the diarrhea was probably a virual infection and it would just have to work it's way through. Come on!! Isn't there anything I can do for my little guy? I call my mom and she tells me to feed him the B-R-A-T diet. Banana, Rice cereal, Apple, Tea. This will help him get those nutrients back that he is losing while having diarrhea. I hope it's helping. I ran out of the prescription cream two days ago and go to get it refilled and was told that it's too soon. "You already used it up" is what I heard from the pharm tech. Ummm, yeah my baby has had this rash for 3 weeks, so I'm lathering him up!! Well, they can't do anything until Monday when they can call the doctor and see if they can get an override to give me his next refill so soon. I wasn't planning on waiting until Monday. I bought some clotrimazole instead. Someone suggested it to me, it's an antifungal cream and the pharmacist told me if the doctor would suggest something, it would be this stuff. So here we go again. I really want my baby to feel better. I hate seeing him like this. He screams and cries everytime I change his diaper, I know it must hurt :( If the diarrhea doesn't let up, there is no way this rash is going to get better. Just keep my little guy in your prayers.

Will Power

I hate that word. Like when you are trying to lose weight. People say that they don't have the will power to not eat their favorite food. It is hard resisting those yummy foods. I've been having a lot of trouble with it lately. But it's my own fault. I go to work at 10:30, I eat breakfast before I go and eat lunch on my break at work. Dinner is another story. I get off work between 7 and 7:30 pm. When I get home I hold Logan, do his nightly routine and put him to bed. Once that is all done with I get to eat dinner which is usually around 8:30. Bad I know especially since I'm pretty much exhausted by 10 and I'm in bed by 10:05. So, needless to say I've gained some weight and I hate it. It is so true once you have kids, it's hard to find any time for yourself. Plus that fact that I work and go to school and don't have time to do exercise. Well that is about to change. Today I ordered a dvd called "Jillian Michael's Shred" I've heard great reviews about it and that people actually lose weight. Someone even said it's such a good workout it replaces the gym and it's only a twenty-five minute dvd. That's what I'm looking for. So I will keep everyone updated on the progress and if I even get time to do it every day. Can't wait to get started!!

Things are Getting Better, Uh Oh

It seems like when too many things are going good in my life something has to happen to make it terrible. I have a job, it's not great, but it's a job. Vince is getting unemployment and is able to watch Logan while I work. We are slowly starting to catch up on bills. Now I'm just waiting for the car to break down or something. They did cut my hours at work, and I can't really be working only 20 hours a week. I was working full time and it was hard to be away from Logan, but we really need the money. We still need money, but now I'm spending a little more time with my baby. If Vince starts working though, I'm not sure what I'm going to do about Logan. Lately I've been working from 6-2 which I like so I can actually use some time in my day. Normally I work from 10:30-7 which sucks!! The problem is, I don't want to have to wake Logan up at 4:30 in order to get him to a sitter so I can be at work by 6. Which leaves me with one choice if Vince gets a job, I have to find another job with better hours. I spent 5 months looking for a job and was finally hired at Riverview. But now that I'm there, I don't really like it. The people are nice yeah, but the manager is really not manager material. They want the dining room to be like a restaurant, but they are ALWAYS out of stuff. If a real restaurant was out of food, customers would leave, but these people live here. I just don't really think she knows what she's doing. Plus she's only been there a few more weeks than me and the only reason she works at Riverview is because her mom is the administrator there. I applied at a place in Bartonville, but she hasn't called me back. I heard that Kroger in Morton is hiring, but I don't know if it's just part time. I NEED full time. I know it seems like I am never happy, but I'm just picky. I almost wish I could get my job back at Olive Garden. I like the people there and the money was good and I didn't even have to work full time. I tried earlier, but I guess they didn't need anybody. I wish money wasn't an issue. If I didn't have Logan, I wouldn't worry so much, but I really want to provide a good life for him, which also means I don't want to be working all the time in order to make the money. Does anyone know of a serving job that is hiring anywhere? I don't like serving, but it really is one of the best paying jobs out there for the hours. Well, I guess I'll stop my worrying for now and write about it later once something happens.

For Family

Things have been pretty busy and it is hard for me to find the time to blog anymore. I usually just write about what has been going on in my life, but this time I want to do something different. I want to write about my family. I have a wonderful family and I love them to pieces. My older brother, though a little harsh at times, is a great person. He has some difficulty overcoming his disappointment in me, but I can understand why. I haven't made the last few years of his life easy. Everything I seem to do just makes things worse and worse. But from what my mom tells me he didn't really want a little sister anyway. Like, when I was little, he threw my toy into the closet and after I went in to grab it he locked me in there. I guess he used the toy as bait. Unfortunately, there was no key hole to unlock the door so my mom had to cut a hole in the door knob in order to get me out. I wonder if we still have that knob? Good times...don't remember it though.

My little sister is totally awesome. When I was a youngn' I prayed that God would give me a sister. When I was six, my prayers were answered with Ashleigh. After she was born, I didn't really want her. She would always follow me around and when my friends came over she had to be in on everything. But what younger sibling doesn't want to hang out with her older sister? We used to do this thing where we made this show called "The Lindsey and Ashleigh Show" We had one of those Fisher Price toys with the microphone and made a tape of our show. We'd just talk about random stuff, but it was really fun. Now she is a senior in high school. She has a boyfriend, I can't believe how fast she grew up. She was 13 when I moved out. I missed a lot of good years that I wish I hadn't. If I could go back, I would change a lot. I love my sister so much.

My little brother is such a drama king. I have never known someone to get so upset over the smallest things and he's only 10. He loves video games, especially anything to do with Spongebob. He also loves it when you watch him play video games and will talk your ear off about what he's done so far in the game. But if something goes wrong, watch out! He just gets his feelings hurt very easily, but he is such a sweetie. He doesn't like to lose, but unfortunately he is a sore loser and I hope he grows out of it. I don't have a lot of stories about Brandon since I moved out when he was only 5, again lots of good years I've missed. One thing, he is blonde haired and a lefty which is totally different from everyone else in the family. We are all dark haired and rightys. We told Mom that he was switched at birth. Recently we were watching some home movies and came across videos of baby Brandon and he looked exactly like Logan does at this age. So I guess he really is part of the family.

My parents are better than anyone could ask for. They put up with a lot of crap from me, but they still love me. I never understood that love until I had Logan...now I get it. My mom is beautiful and warm and loving. Even though she is more scary than Dad when she's angry, she is the one I can talk to about anything. Dad was the one who carried out with discipline, well I guess Mom did too with that notorius wooden spoon....ohhh that still gives me shudders. My Mom thinks she does too much for us kids and she's probably right, but we love her for it. But my mom had a lot coming at her. She had lost both parents by the time she was 36. Do you know how hard that is? I don't. She didn't know her grandparents. Her mother came from England so those grandparents lived overseas and how often do you think she saw them? Not very. Her dad married someone who wasn't from the church so the entire family was shunned. They didn't want anything to do with them..including the kids, my mom and her nine siblings. So they were all eachother had. They are the most awesome family you will ever meet. Gobs of stories from their childhood, but there's bound to be with 10 kids. And at every family get together, there are no fights and everyone enjoys eachothers company. It is amazing and I hope to carry it on with my family. My dad was always kind of hard for me to talk to, but I think that had something to do with him working a lot. We didn't get as much time with him as we did Mom. He is a worry wart. If we didn't come home by a certain time, he would go out searching for us even if he didn't even know where we were. It kind of annoyed me, but I can understand now why he worried. Your kids are everything to you and you don't want anything to happen to them. Dad took us on two vacations every year, one summer and one winter which was always Florida. I miss those times. Sometimes I miss living at home and being carefree again. I hope that maybe someday I can go on vactions with my family like we did with my grandparents down to Florida. The whole Terry Koch family on one big vacation. Now that sounds like fun!!

Working Mommy

I have decided that I don't want to get old. Working at Riverview has given me this realization. I don't want to be stuck in a wheel chair the last few years of my life. Some people just seem so miserable there and this isn't even a nursing home. Mom...I will never, ever put either you or dad in a nursing home. The job itself is decent, some of the residents are rude but for the most part, people are really nice. I've already gotten to know a few of them on a first name basis. I look at Logan and think, wow...the people living here used to be as small as him. It really makes you realize your mortality. Time just goes by way too fast. Actually, since having Logan, I have been thinking a lot more about life. Like my mom was 24 when she had Kevin. I was 23 when I had Logan. I knew both sets of my grandparents. Ashleigh is only six years younger than me and I don't think she remembers Grandma and Grandpa Gschwind. Just those few years and so much had changed. I was always close to my Grandpa Koch and lately I've been really missing him. I don't know why. Being around people in his generation at Riverview really makes it soak in. He's been gone for eight years already, wow. I just want Logan to have a good relationship with both sets of grandparents and his great aunts and great uncles. This really has nothing to do with the title of my blog at all, but it's been weighing on my heart. Sometimes I wish I could reset the clock and do things over. My grandma died knowing I was living in sin. I wish so badly I could have changed that. I must be the worst grand daughter on the planet. I just miss them so much. Maybe Riverview isn't the best place for me to be working...it's making me miss everyone that I've lost. I'm crying as I'm writing this. I think that's it for now.

Seriously?!

I am beyond stressed at this point!! Vince was going to be getting his first unemployment check on Friday, but now Sedona wants to fight him on it which means it could be a few weeks before he gets some money. Our bank accounts has $50 combined, maybe. The bills are starting to come in and we don't have the money to pay them so we are having to prioritize. Cilco we had to pay because of this budget billing we signed up for. If we don't pay the full amount ,which is $250 a month, they will shut off our service. Now we have DSL and satellite which we can't pay and will probably be disconnected and we also have cell phones. This is something that really needs to be paid; one, I'm trying to get a job and have to be able to take her calls to know what I need to do next in order to get closer to getting hired; two, Vince has to have an interview with unemployment later on in Sept and if we don't have cell phones we can't call thus losing his unemployment.

Riverview is the place I am trying to get hired at. I had an interview two weeks ago and still don't know if I will get a job. I've had to call them a few times to keep things rolling in the right direction. At the time of the interview I wasn't planning on going back to school, but later found out I could and signed up for a couple classes. One in the morning and one in the evening because this was supposed to be a job that would be in the afternoon. Also the only math class they had left was in the evening and I had to take it or couldn't apply for the program I want to get into. So I tell the lady in human resources that I am taking on evening class a couple nights a week and she tells me, "Well we might be looking for someone to work mornings, so that won't be a problem." What?! Now I don't know what to do. I might have to drop my morning class, but have to do it by Friday or I won't get a refund. I also have to sign up for another class because in order to keep my financial aid I need to be enrolled in at least 6 credit hours. If I drop the class I will only be in 5. I figured I could just move the class to evening with a different teacher, but was told that if you switch classes you need to have the same teacher. Now I am going to have to find a whole nother class. Most of them are filled up so I have no clue what I am going to do. I didn't want school and finding a job to be so stressful. I hope I can get this worked out. The stress is getting to me so bad, I just want to curl up in a ball and be left along for a few days. No money coming in, no jobs, school is getting screwed up....what am I supposed to do?

Updating

I really need to stay on top of this blogging. Sorry readers. Last week was a rough week for Logan. Tuesday was the day he was getting his skin tags removed from his ears. He was born with them and since Medicaid is covering all of it, we decided to go ahead and get them removed. Plus, they are noticeable and I didn't want him getting teased as he got older. The day of the "surgery" he wasn't allowed to have any formula 6 hours before he was to go under. Since all he really eats anymore is formula I had to make sure I had a stockpile of breast milk for the big day and had been pumping all week. He was allowed to have breast milk 4 hours before the procedure. So I wake him up early in the morning since his appointment was at 9am and feed him what breast milk I had stockpiled. That was around 6:30 am. I figured we would get there and have to wait a bit so I didn't do the 4 hours exactly. His "surgery" was taking place at the Center For Health which is right next to Shops at Grand Prairie. It was a very nice place. All the people were awesome, and I highly recommend it. We get checked in and have to wait for just a few minutes when the nurse comes out and calls us back. Logan gave her the biggest smile and was all bubbly and when she reached for him, he went right to her. I couldn't believe it! She carried him around for awhile and was saying he was so cute and he was making her want to have another baby, so cute. We walk back to the nurses station and on cue they all say, "Awwwww." Logan was in some pretty sanzy pj's, maybe that's why everyone was loving on him :) Once we get into our room where we put Logan into his gown and we wait and wait and wait some more. They brought a wagon over for us and we gave Logan a ride around the place. He was getting pretty hungry at this point and very fussy. I really don't know why they had us come in so early and we had to wait so long. He finally gets taken away from us around 11:30am and we go back into the waiting room until everything is over. It doesn't take long before they call only one of us back, of course mommy went, and my poor little man is screaming his head off. He has an IV in his hand and some monitor on his toe and some kind of stickers on his chest. He was not happy. I give him a bottle and nurse him, but he just isn't calming down, at which point they move him into recovery. Vince is there and Logan goes to him and calms down immediatly. He loves his daddy so much, it makes me jealous at times. They had already taken the IV and monitor off of him. I hated to see that IV in my little baby's hand. They told us we could remove the stickers from his chest. It was like ripping off a band aid. There were three stickers and Vince took them off and Logan grabbed his chest. I know it had to hurt. I hated seeing my baby in pain, I wanted to cry. His ears had been numbed and they told us that it would probably last for 6 hours and then we could give him Tylenol after that. On the right home, Logan conked out and took a nice long nap at home. Poor little guy, but I was glad to get it over with.

Friday was Logan's 6 month checkup, which also means shots. I think I hate those more than he does. He weighed 16 pounds 11 oz which is the 33 percentile. And he was 27.5 inches long which is the 83 percentile. My little man is tall and skinny. He eats like a pig, I guess it all must be going to his length. He only had three shots as opposed to the four he usually has. He was happy up until the shots, but once they were over he only sniffled for a little bit and then was was back to normal. So much better than last time where he screamed all the way out to the car and I had to give him a bottle to calm him down. Next checkup is at 9 months and I was informed, no shots!! Horray!!

College Student

I'm starting school tomorrow. I'm so excited! I always hated school when I was younger, but I really can't wait to go back. I'll only be taking two classes, a math class(yuck) and a psychology class. I wasn't sure if I was even going to school this fall. I only just fully decided in the last week. I had applied for a grant to go back to school in June. I did it online and after it was submitted it sent me an email telling me that based on my income I would get such and such amount. Awesome!! In July, I then got a letter from the state telling me that since so many people had applied and the state has no money, I will not be getting money to help with schooling. I was really bummed. The program I'm wanting to apply for requires you to take some classes before you even apply. If I wasn't getting the money, then I couldn't take the classes and then couldn't apply for the program. I have to apply by January 15, 2010 for the next school year. I know I probably won't get into the program for the 2010 year, but I'm hoping I can get into the 2011 year. If I wasn't able to take my classes I may not get into the program until 2012, which by that time Logan would be 3 years old and 5 when I graduate. I didn't want to wait that long. So you can see my dilemma with not getting the funding for school. Well, it just so happens that last week I get something from ICC telling me that I did get a federal grant and I will be able to go to school. Mind you, this was a week before school started. I'm still looking for a job and was hoping I could work my school schedule around my job, but with no job, that's kinda hard to do. I decided to just try and take some morning classes and hope I could get an afternoon/evening job. I go to ICC this past Thursday. I was able to get the psych class for the morning, but the only math class they had available was a night one. I decided to take it because I have to take it to apply for the program. I just hope any job I find will let me work around that class. Oh yes, and I'm planning on applying for the physical therapy assistant program.

Ok, so I think I mentioned this in an earlier blog, but I want Logan to eventually have another sibling. He does have Jason, but he's 6 years older than him and only a half brother. Of course I plan on being married before I have another baby. The thing is, Logan will be 4 years old when I graduate, if I get into the program in 2011. I really wanted Logan to have a closer sibling. I plan on getting a job once I get out of school and work for at least a year which will then make him 5 years old. I don't know how I feel about that. So I told Vince, if we could somehow plan it just right, we could have a baby in one of the summer semesters when I won't have school. He doesn't want to, but I'm hoping I can change his mind. It is a few years down the road after all. If we have another boy, I think they would be ok with being 5 years apart. But if it's a girl, then we might have some problems. It seems like siblings of the same sex get along better. Maybe it's just my family. Ashleigh and I are 6 years apart and we got along pretty good as kids. Now Ashleigh and Brandon are, correct me if I'm wrong mom, 7 years apart I believe. And let's just say they aren't always very civil to each other. But what do you think about trying to have a baby in the summer semester? Here I am talking about babies and I have a 6 month old, but I know the years are going to fly by so I should start planning now :)

Finished!!

Our house is pretty much finished! We only have a couple more pieces of laminate to lay and the quarter round and then the main floor is done!! It's so nice to have a house that is usable. We would still like to tile the bathroom on the main floor, but it's not a necessity. The upstairs isn't really quit finished yet either. We are going to re mud Logan's room and then paint. We'll also be getting different carpet for his room as well. My parents are getting new carpet in three of their rooms and they will be giving me some of the old carpet. That's wonderful because the carpet we have in there now stinks like pee. Now that the lead workers are done we can go full swing into his room. We really are needing to move him into his own room as soon as possible. He wakes up about three or four times a night now and I grab him up right away so he doesn't wake up Vince. If he's in his own room I can let him fuss for a bit to try and get himself fall back asleep.

We had our family reunion this past weekend and it went really well. It was hot and sticky, but Logan did good for the most part. I brought food for the first time. Normally I just let my mom bring everything, but I wanted to really be a part of it. I made a dessert with sponge cake, fruit and white chocolate and I also made lil' pigs in a blanket. Glad I used three packages of lil' smokies cause there were 76 people at the reunion so most of everything got ate up. My mom walked around with Logan most of the day and he was able to meet all his cousins. Everyone thinks he looks like Vince, but everyone on Vince's side thinks he looks like me so we really have no idea at this point.

I'm still on the hunt for a job. Things are starting to get really desperate at this point. We have property taxes due in October and they are going to be almost $2000. Vince barely makes enough each month to pay bills so coming up with this amount of money in two months would be a miracle. I was hoping I'd have a job by this time so we could have saved some money up to pay for these things, but alas, I still don't. The real problem is, if you don't pay taxes someone could pay them off and in essence, own our house. I do not want to lose my house over property taxes. We just finished a huge project on the house. Plus I don't know what we would do if that happened. I don't plan on moving, especially with Logan at such a young age. I just really, truly need a job....now!

Too Long

It's been a while since I've blogged, things have been pretty busy. Logan is getting his first teeth. He actually got them while he was four months old, kinda early I know. He was still too young to hold onto the teething ring so I was giving him tylenol. When the next teeth come in I think I'm going to try teething tablets. He's been grouchy so they may already be coming in....fun, fun. We are finally getting new windows. This is the only good thing that has come out of us living in the city. Our house is loaded with lead which can be very dangerous to a growing baby. So they replaced all the windows and are putting aluminum wrap around all the wood outside. It almost looks like a new house, I'm so excited!!! Now, we just need a new roof.

Vince and I were planning on moving out of this house in four years because there is no chance that I would ever let Logan go to Peoria schools. But now I'm thinking I really just want to move out now. The kids in the neighborhood have a total disregard for other people's property. A few evenings ago we were in the back yard grilling up some pork chops. I can see our front porch from the back yard. These three black kids come around our house and try jumping onto the newly painted porch by grabbing onto the wood and pulling themselves up and over. I was about to yell at them but then one of the turns around and sees me staring at him and he stops. Then they run around the other side of our house and who knows what they were doing then. I can't see that side from the back. I really don't want Logan growing up with kids like that. The parents obviously never taught their kids anything about respect. They just do whatever they please, like shooting off fireworks at 1 in the morning. Ugh!! I hate this city and it's inhabitants so much!!!! Speaking of the city, I have been trying to get a hold of my case worker for the past week now. I accidentally threw away a paper that I needed to redetermine my Medicaid benefits and I need to know what I should do because I can't loose these benefits, especially for Logan. She won't call me back which means I will have to go down to public aid and talk to them face to face. I know there are a lot of people in Peoria County that are on public aid, but come on a week and she still won't return my calls!! I hate to say this, but I think it's true; in Peoria they favor the blacks over whites, plus my case worker is also black which doesn't help me in the least. I'm only using the government's help for now while I'm struggling. I don't plan on being a burden to society for the rest of my life. I don't live on welfare, I plan on going back to school and making something of myself. I just wish my life would turn around faster than I want it to. I just takes time.

Did I Do Something Wrong?

When you think things can't get any worse, they always do. I'm not going to make my life seem all hunky dory because it's not. I'm struggling to make my relationship with Vince work. He always has to be right about everything. I'm getting tired of dealing with it all the time. My parents left for vacation today so yesterday I was visiting them with Logan and I stayed for dinner and then we all played a board game afterwards. My older brother was also there and we managed to get along pretty good which is rare. I really enjoyed spending time with them and knowing I wouldn't see them all for over a week made me not want to leave. While I was there I got a call from the health dept. telling me that they wanted to do a walkthrough of my house tomorrow to figure out what needed to be done about the lead. They were coming at 9am the next day. I called Vince to let him know they would be coming and he asked if I would be coming home soon so we could clean up the house. I told him I wanted to stay for a bit since they were leaving on vacation. So the night goes great. I load Logan into the car and head home and call Vince to let him know I had left. He procceds to get very angry with me for not coming home sooner and then hangs up the phone. I get home and the house is a mess!! He hadn't done a single thing. He couldn't even throw away the little bit of garbage that was in the living room. He didn't clean up after himself from his dinner and just left his pork chop bones sitting on the counter in the kitchen!! UGH!!! Why couldn't he have done anything?! I start cleaning up and yell at him for not doing anything. He's like, "You didn't come home on time so I didn't want to do anything" Meaning he's too selfish to do it himself and makes me clean it all. We went to bed mad at eachother and this morning he was still being an ahole. He throws his clothes around and knocks over the fan. I didn't make him breakfast or lunch I was so pissed with him!! When he gets out to the car he calls me and says that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, we just aren't working out. I seriously can't stand him sometimes, but I don't want to break up because Logan is WAY more important to me than anything else in this world. I really would like him to have a daddy and not have to go between houses. Vince rarely sees his other son and I don't want that to happen to Logan, he deserves better from a dad. I have been putting all of my energy into this relationship trying to make it work, but Vince is just like la di da about it. He really doesn't care. I'm at my wits end with everything. I don't know what to do. Logan doesn't deserve this, maybe I should have put him up for adoption.

Growing Up

Wow, I cannot believe that Logan is just over 4 months now. Time is going by way too fast. It's so awesome though to watch him grow. He's laughing and rolling over and grabbing at everything now. He is just such a joy! This coming up weekend is the Fourth of July and it will be Logan's first fireworks. I still remember last year's July 4th was when I told my friends that I was pregnant. That was a scary and very stressful time for me. I'm glad all that is behind me and now I have my amazing little boy. I have both the digital camera and the video camera all charged up for Saturday. I hope he likes the fireworks, but he isn't a fan of the loud noises so we'll just have to wait and see.

Nothing too exciting has been going on lately, other than Logan growing like a weed. I have, however, finally made up my mind that I am going back to school. I can't raise Logan like this. We live below the poverty line and I don't want him knowing we are poor. Vince doesn't have a hs diploma and doesn't want to take his GED so it seems I am the one stuck going to school and getting the good job. I would love for Vince to be the one making the money and letting me stay home with Logan, but it doesn't look like that will ever happen. I love Vince, but sometimes I really wish he would better assert himself. I am planning on applying for the physical therapy assistant program. I went and talked to an adviser and she said they only have 24 spots available every year and last year 54 people applied. So I'm guessing I probably won't get into the 2010 program, but will probably get into the 2011. There is a dilema that I am mulling over in my head. If I get into the 2011 program Logan will be 2. The program is two years long so when I finish Logan will be 4. I always wanted my children to be close in age just because they seem to enjoy a sibling that isn't a lot younger than them. I'm 3 yrs younger than my brother and we got along great as kids. My sister is 6 years younger than me and we didn't get along so great. I'm just afraid that I won't be able to have another baby until Logan is at least 5 years old and I hate that. Obviously, I can't have a a baby while I'm in school so it's just going to have to wait until I finish school, get a job and hold it for at least a year. This really bothers me. What do you think? Another thing with this is, Logan will be an only child(he has a half brother, but I don't know how close they'll be) and I'm afraid that he might become very angry when he finds out he is going to have to share mommy and daddy after 5 years of having us to himself. I can't put school on hold any longer, I will already be 28 by the time I graduate and that is too long in itself. So here I go, finally growing up. Becoming a parent changes your perspective of EVERYTHING!!!!

I Should Be Sleeping

Today has just been one of those days. Logan slept through the night last night, so I was actually able to get a little sleep. I think he must be going through a growth spurt because for the past few nights he's been getting up a few times. I usually just nurse him and back to sleep he goes. I have no idea how I am going to wean him, and I don't even exclusively breastfeed. The problem is, that he won't suck on a pacifier, so I'm having to use myself as a pacifier. I'm really going to have to get him to grow out of this soon. Next week he is going to be four months, I can't believe how fast the time is going!!! He's also going to the pedi. for his checkup and to get his shots, poor baby. I hate doing that. This time I'll remember to give him tylenol before we go. Next Sunday is Vince's birthday. His family reunion is also on that day so we'll just be going there. We hope to go out another day for his birthday, but we'll have to see how money is. I feel so bad, but I have no way of buying him a present. I just have absolutly no money. But that isn't really new news.

I've been complaining about getting a job lately, so today I called up Olive Garden and asked about getting my job back. Gerald, who is the GM, told me I would need to come in a fill out an application and then it just depends if they need anybody. I hope they do. This was my backup it I coudn't find a job! Plus there is a new service manager whom I have never met, so that's also playing against me. Oh I just hope I can get a job!! In other news, PAWS called me today and told me they found T-Bone again. Earlier I had told them that if they found him, they could keep him. I knew I would never be able to come up with money to get him out, and I just really didn't want to know about it. So I tell her that I can't afford to get him out, plus pay to get him neutered and she tells me that he will be euthinized. I really don't know why she had to tell me that. I asked her if it looked like he had been fought and she said no, he was actually found on my block. How could this happen. He's been in the area the whole time and I've never seen him!! Now I can't get the picture out of my head of them dragging him back to the room to be put to sleep. It just keeps playing in my head and I hate it. Why did she have to tell me, I didn't want to know!!! Before he got away the first time, he was the most awesome dog. He did what he was told and was just a very loving dog. We took him in as a puppy because his owners weren't allowed to keep him at the place they were renting. I loved that dog to pieces. I know my priorities have changed with having Logan, but I will always have a place in my heart for T-Bone. Here's to you T-Bone, may you rest in peace.

Are There Any Jobs Out There?

So as you know I've been looking for a job for the past two months and with no luck. Actually there was one place in Pekin that offered me a job, but it was full time and wanted me to start the next day which a couldn't do what with having a 3 month old and no baby sitter lined up. So I turned them down and now I'm glad I did. I actually found their job on craigslist and was looking there again today and someone posted something about this job saying "don't waste your time with them, they won't pay" Now this person may have been fired or just had a bad experience, but to me it's kind of a sign. I've been feeling so upset about turning down the job because it was really good money, so now that I see this, I'm feeling a LOT better. I am now seriously considering going back to work at Olive Garden just because I don't think I would have a problem getting my job back and plus it's better than nothing. And we REALLY need the money. Taxes were due a few days ago and we have no money to pay them at all so I need something so we can get back on our feet.

I'm going to go to ICC next week and talk with an advisor about going back to school. I'm thinking either medical assistant/coding or radiography. I'm planning on applying for both so hopefully I'll get into one of them. It won't be until next year though because the deadline for applying for the fall programs was back in January. It'll probably be easier to get a babysitter for Logan when he's one anyway. Vince and I were planning on staying in Peoria for five more years, right before Logan would go to school, but now there is just no way. I hate dealing with this city and the people are just so rude!! I don't want Logan growing up around that. I would LOVE to find a house in Tremont, that's my dream. But they are so expensive!! It would be so awesome if Logan could go to the same school I went to. I absolutly loved it there. Something else that I've been discussing with Vince is getting married somewhere else. He still doesn't want to get married at the courthouse and I can't get him to change his mind. So now we are thinking an outdoor wedding maybe in someone's backyard or a park. It has to be somewhere cheap. We would also have to hire someone to marry us, like a chaplain, but I don't think they are listed in the phone book, so I'm not really sure where to find them. If anyone has any info on a chaplain, please let me know. Vince is complaining of hunger so I better go feed him now, lol!!

Lead Paint is Sweet

Well, that's what the lead nurse told me when she came to visit. Lead paint has a sweet taste and that's why kids like to chew on it. We had the inspector from the health dept come out on Monday and check our house for lead. It took him about two hours. He had this hand held machine that would read the walls and tell him if there was any lead. I was a little worried though because we had painted all the walls with new paint and I wasn't sure if this machine would be able to read through our paint. No worries though, he said it could read through 50 layers of paint. Phew!! And the conclusion he and his little machine came up with is, there is a lot of lead on the outside of the windows, plus the front and back porch are loaded. The inside was a hit and miss and I'm thinking that is because we did scrap some of the ways down to the plaster beneath. but some walls we left alone. He also said that our staircase is covered in lead as well. He is going to write a report and send us a copy so we'll know for sure, but his guess is, they are going to replace all the windows and probably carpet the stairs and this is all at no cost to me!!! Yeah, finally something I like from Peoria!! I won't be able to stay at the house while they are doing all this so I will probably be spending most, if not all, the time at my parents.

Vince has a friend who said he might be able to get me a job where he works at, which is a catering place. So I went and filled out an application yesterday and forgot to write his name on it!!! Ugh, I'm such an idiot!! So I'm going to wait a couple of days a call them. I don't think they are advertising for help so hopefully not too many people are applying. They did tell me they are probably only hiring nights and weekends, which is fine. That way Vince can stay home with Logan and I won't have to worry about a babysitter. But now, Vince's truck is messed up again. The darn thing is from 1987 so it has it's problems. We just bought a new alternator for it a few weeks ago and now the brake lines are leaking so he can't stop. This stinks because I just got the car back since he's been using his truck, but now he's taking the car to work again, so I am now stuck at home just like I used to be. I don't like this. Not that I can really do much anyway. It's not like I can go a spend money since I don't have a job. That's another thing. Vince's birthday is at the end of the month and I really need a job so I can get him something. It doesn't make any sense to buy him a present with his own money. This weekend is the Turkey Festival and I'm hoping we have a little extra money cause I would love to go. Plus my little sister is going to be in the Miss Tremont Pageant and I am definitely going to see that. Can't wait to see her!!

Still On the Hunt

I had that interview and it ended up being not what I thought. I was hoping I might be able to work part-time, but was told they are open 6 days a week and I would need to work 5 of those days from 9:30am until 6 or 7 pm. They also wanted me to start the very next day and I told them I couldn't do that since I have a baby and would need to line up a babysitter. They didn't really seem to care, so I decided that job was not for me. I'm starting to get really frustrated. I've only been applying at places where I know I could make a decent amount, but now I'm thinking I should start looking at the lower income jobs, just so I can make something, but still keep looking for a better job. Vince and I are going to have to come up with real estate taxes in the next week and there is no way that is going to happen. Just as long as we pay the first installment before Sept. we should be ok, even though there will be about a $40 late fee added to it, but there is nothing else that we can do.

Logan got his first cold as well. Poor little guy. He's been sleeping really well through the night, but last night he kept waking up coughing and he sounded all stuffed up. I think I'm just going to have to let it run it's course though. I know he got it from me and my throats been bothering me too so I hope he's not in any pain. Just coughing and a runny nose hopefully. We tried to give him cereal last night and he seemed to do ok. After the first couple of bites and actually opened his mouth when I brought the spoon to him. It's so exciting seeing him grow up, but it's already going by WAY to fast. We all went to some garage sales this past weekend and I found a saucer. It's not anything great, no toys attached or anything, but he seems to like it. We have to put some blankets around him though since he is a little small for it. Ok, well I hear Logan coughing so I better go.

Three Months Already?!

My goodness, how time does fly. Logan turned three months on the 24 of May and I can't believe how much he's already doing. He just started laughing this past week and it is so precious and yesterday he rolled over for the first time. He did cry though once he got onto his back, I'm thinking it must have scared him. I had an interview last week for a job at Merry Maid's but decided not to take it after I realized I would only be getting paid around $150 for three days, plus then having to pay a babysitter so I wouldn't be coming home with very much. I've been checking different online job sites everyday and came across one that looks decent. I called them up and am going in tomorrow to fill out an application and have a interview. I think they might only be hiring full time though so I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that. My sister has been looking for a job this summer and my mom is going to ask her is she wants to watch Logan a few days a week so I could work. I would pay her of course. The thing is I'm going to need to find someone to watch him those other two days. I need it to be someone I can trust so if anyone knows of somebody who is good with kids and looking for a job, I would be willing to talk with them. Logan is somewhat of a difficult baby though. He is gassy and so cries and complains a lot and I'm afraid of leaving him with someone I don't know for fear of them getting angry and hurting him. I would never forgive myself if something were to happen to him.

Our fridge is a piece of junk since the darn thing won't go into defrost mood. We already had somebody come out and look at it and they changed the timer and it was working for a while, but then it started icing up again. We keep it at the recommended temp though so it's not icing up because it's too cold, it's just broken. I asked my parents if they had an extra fridge we could borrow until we buy a new one and they did. It hadn't been turned on for ten years, but it still works!! Thank goodness, since all our food was going bad in the fridge. They told me I could go ahead and keep it as well. Woohoo!! Well it looks like my little man is waking up so I better go. I'll try and update a little later.

Enjoying Life

I gotta say, I don't know how to enjoy life anymore. I have been searching for a job, but to no avail. There just doesn't seem to be anyone hiring. I was thinking about going back to Olive Garden, but I have no one in Peoria to watch Logan. My mom said that she could watch him sometimes, but she lives in Pekin and it would be a waste of gas to drive to Pekin to drop him off and then come back to Peoria. I'd probably use all the money I made at work on gas and that doesn't really make any sense. I'm just getting so sick and tired of living from paycheck to paycheck. I would love to buy some things for Logan to do, but all he really has is his bouncer and I think he is getting bored of it. I want to get him an exersaucer and saw one at Target for $60. Which really doesn't sound like much, but to me not having any money to my name, that's quite a bit.

The appraisal we got on the house was useless and now we are out $300 having to pay for the stupid thing. I have had to skip some bills this month and I really can't be doing that. And to tell you the truth the only reason we got the appraisal was because Vince has a friend who said he would like to rent our other house, so I figured we would have the money either way. Well now his friend is being an idiot and won't pay because the plumbing isn't finished. We told him to wait until we had the house fixed up to move in, but his dad really wanted him out so he moved in anyway. How is it our problem that he decided to move into a piece of crap house. He new what he was getting into. You really can't rely on your friends. They think they can get away with stuff because they know you and think you won't care if they decide not to pay rent. Well, that's where he would be wrong. He's not my friend, so I don't mind kicking him out on his ass. I just really, REALLY need a job or we are not going to make it. I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.

Hoping for the Best

I haven't written a blog for a bit, sorry about that. Things have been kind of hectic. The issue with PAWS is still going on. Yes, we ended up surrendering the dog to PAWS, but then we get something in the mail for Vince saying that he needs to pay $285 because he didn't go to court for the ticket. So we go to PAWS and ask what is going on and they say that the dog was surrendered in my name, but the ticket was written in Vince's name and it was just a little mix up. They would take care of it. Ok, that was fine, well a few days later we get something else in the mail saying that he didn't get ahold of who he was supposed to to pay his fine and he now has 10 days to make payment arrangements or serious action will be taken which included possibly arresting him. So I call PAWS and ask what the heck is going on and she's like "well I haven't had time to go to court yet and deal with it" She had better get her butt in there because I am getting sick to death of dealing with them. Plus having to deal with the city with my houses. I've had to go into city hall every Tuesday for the last three weeks and I'm tired of it. Tired of getting Logan and strapped in his carseat and then trying to find a parking space and then lugging Logan around getting to city hall and just dealing with all the stupid codes, like having to put screens on your windows. I asked them why I need them and he says "You don't want mosquitoes flying into your house" But I told him I never open my windows so why do I need them then and he just says "it's a code the city has" Well, it's a really stupid code.

Vince and I have been struggling with money lately with me not working so we went into Citifinacial who we currently have a loan with. We were planning on going in there and just asking if we could refinance and lower the payments on our loan. But then we started talking about other bills and loans and she brought up that we could get a home equity loan and combine them all. So we looked at the numbers and if we did this it would save us over $300 a month and that is huge!! The only catch is we have to pay $300 for an appraiser to come and look at the house and we don't have that kind of money just laying around. We told them we would think about it and get back to them. I called my dad, who is a CPA, and asked him what he thought. He thinks its a good idea, but the interest is kind of high, but it's lower than all my credit cards except for the 2nd mortgage I have with CEFCU. My birthday was on the 27th and my parents gave me enough money to get the appraisal. I would need to have insurance on the house in order to get the loan, which I don't have. So I called a couple places and they were all over $1000 a year. That's a lot of money for house insurance. So my dad called someone he knows and they are trying to get me cheaper insurance. They haven't found anything so far. Yesterday, I went ahead and agreed to the appraisal and wrote it as my status that "I hope the appraiser calls soon." Well my dad calls me and asks why I got the appraisal and I told him I thought that's what he wanted me to do. He said no, he told me to wait until I got insurance and now he's all upset with me because I didn't listen to him. But I thought that's what he said, but my head must have been in the clouds or something because I guess I wasn't listening. I just hope this goes well because I don't know what will happen especially if my dad isn't behind me now.

Peoria: The Money Grubbing City

As most of you know, I have been having issues with my dog, Pillow. She now manages to dig under the fence in the backyard and escape and we were written a ticket because of this and also since she wasn't up to date on her rabies shot. The animal control officer told me if I couldn't afford to get her shots and registration, that I could just bring her into PAWS and not have to pay anything. Yes, that's exactly what I wanted! I told Vince about it and he didn't want to. He says he likes having a dog. Coulda fooled me since she was caged up all day, everyday. A few days after that, she got out again and once again animal control showed up. I told her we had already previously been given a ticket. I told her how much I wanted to get rid of the dog, but my boyfriend didn't want to. So she told me about this program called the Spay and Neuter Program for low income families that will spay your dog, give them shots and registration for $50. I didn't really want to pay anything more for this dog, but Vince wanted to think it over. So the day the ticket was due arrived and Vince had yet to come to a decision. So I told him, you can hate me if you want, but I'm taking the dog to PAWS. Off I went and was about halfway there and Vince calls me and says he doesn't want to give her up and to sign up for the Spay and Neuter Program. He would pay for it. So I get her signed up and was told that I would take her into their vet on May 5. I wasn't thrilled, but I figured $50 wasn't so bad. Vince bought a trolley for Pillow so now she can run back and forth across the yard, but still be tied up. Unfortunately, she can still reach the fence and digs underneath, but is stuck just on the other side of the fence because of the tie out. I always have to pull her back in and then lock her up because I'm so pissed off at her!! Why doesn't she learn?!

Anyway, so I have been trying to get ahold of this officer who wrote me the ticket to tell him I got my dog signed up for the program and would the ticket now be voided. He never called me. What an ass!! So today I finally call the clinic and just talk to one of the front desk people, since tomorrow is the day I was supposed to go to court for the ticket and I really would rather not drag Logan out downtown if I don't have to. I tell them my situation and she puts me on hold for a bit and then comes back and tells me the ticket stands and I will have to pay the $100 fine. What the....?!?! I told her I signed my dog up for the program and she says, "It doesn't matter, she didn't get her shots before the ticket was due" I tell her I don't have that kind of money and she says that I will need to go to court tomorrow and ask for an extension. So, not only did I have to pay the $50 to get her shots, but now I have to pay $100 because I didn't get her signed up on time?! It would have been cheaper if I had taken her to my own vet and got it done sooner. I will have to drag Logan out tomorrow, but with no vehicle I don't really now how that is going to work. I don't understand why Vince wanted to keep that stupid dog!! We are having to pay so much for her and half of this family doesn't even want her. I'm about to call PAWS and just tell them to take her because I'm sick of this crap!! I am so pissed off right now, I dare somebody to cross me, they won't know what hit them!!

Whistle While You Work

We are finally starting to work on the house again. Thank goodness. I keep telling Vince, Logan is going to be crawling around before we know it and I do not want him on the floor that isn't finished. Last weekend my mom watched Logan and we were able to get a lot done. We are also still moving stuff out of the other house's attic. All of that is going to be going into our little storage space at the new house. There really isn't enough room for it though so we are going to have to rent a storage unit. But right now, we don't have the money for it. Vince and I have decided we are just going to sell our old house. We were thinking about renting it out, but it needs a ton of work and am going to have to list it as a 'handy man's special' I'm probably just going to list it on Tradin' Post and some free sites and see if I get any bites. If that doesn't work, we are going to have to hire a realtor. We just need enough money to pay off the loan. A little extra would be nice, but I'm not going to push it.

Last weekend, Logan rolled onto his back from his tummy. He is such a strong little guy. He is going to be a handful when he gets older though, I can already tell. He certainly loves his daddy though. He always calms down when Vince holds him. It's really sweet. And I'm going to have to get him a little suit for when we get married, he's going to look quite the stud muffin :)

I'm very badly wanting to go back to work, but Vince doesn't want me to. I don't want people to think less of me for this, but Vince burns movies for people at his work and makes a decent amount doing it. He says that if I go back to work, he will no longer be able to do this because he'll be busy with Logan. And he makes the same amount in one day that I would probably make working a shift at Olive Garden, so it's almost pointless for me to work. So then I started thinking that I could do a day job, but then my entire check would probably go to childcare for Logan and that would be pointless too. So I'm really confused about what I should do at this point. Being a stay at home mom is what I always wanted to do, but now that I am, I miss working. I don't know if it's because I really want to be back on the work force or because we need money so badly and I feel like a need to contribute. Either way, we really do need the money and my being at home sure isn't getting us any.

We still haven't set a date yet for getting married. I called a couple of courthouses and Tazewell county costs $49 for a marriage license and $10 to get married. Woodford county costs $20 for a marriage license and I don't know how much to get married. I was supposed to talk to the judge, but he didn't answer the phone. They did tell me though that we would have to take an hour of marriage counseling at Woodford though and I don't know how much that costs. So far, Tazewell seems the better choice to me, but we'll just have to wait and see.

Love and Marriage

Wow, I still can't believe that Logan is a month old already! Time really does fly. He is still working on trying to roll over from his stomach, but he's doing a pretty good job. He arches his back and almost makes it, but that's as far as he gets. I'm looking forward to the day when he starts smiling, then those 3am feedings won't be so hard cause I'll have something to look forward to.

A couple of days ago I got a letter from my brother apologizing for what he had done in the past. I was kinda surprised. He says he would like to start talking again and I would like that too. Even if he can be a real pill, he is still my brother and I love him. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to write back to him write away. I might just wait until I see him at Easter, but then that will be the first time he sees Logan and I don't want to put too much pressure on him in front of the family. I guess I'll just need to think about it a little more.

I've been doing some soul searching lately and realized that this is really not how I want to live my life. I never ever planned to live with a guy before I got married and I hoped and prayed I wouldn't get pregnant before I got married, but I let my guard down and it happened. Not that I would change it now, I love my son to pieces!! I've come to realize my life is the way it is because I choose to live this way. I believe that God blesses those that are faithful to Him. I haven't been faithful, I've been depending on myself and look where it's got me. I know there are people that don't believe in God and following His teachings, but that is how I grew up and truthfully almost everyone I know who is faithful to Him are very blessed people. I want to be one of those people. I used to be. Things were so easy for me when I lived for Jesus, and now...well things suck. I struggle everyday with how I am living. I know that suddenly because I start praying and going to church again that my life won't suddenly turn around, but I know I will feel better inside and that's really what's important. I just need to know that God will provide. I need to let of my selfish ways and lean on Him and that is going to be hard for me, so please be praying. But anyway as I was saying, I don't like living with a guy and having a kid and not being married so Vince and I are getting married this year. It's just going to be at the courthouse, which does devastate me because I would LOVE a wedding, but I don't have time for that now. We are planning on having a reception, something small for friends and family, but my family is pretty big so there will be a lot of people there...as long as everyone comes anyway :) We haven't set a date yet because I need to call the courthouses and see which county is the best one to go to i.e.cheapest and shortest waiting period. I think my mom is going to help me with a dress and the only thing we are going to need are rings. I'm a little concerned about that because last I knew rings are expensive. Something will turn up to help out though, I hope. Can't wait and I will keep you all updated on the plans!

Working Mom

Money has been extremely tight for us right now. Vince just isn't bringing home enough money to pay all the bills. We were doing ok until the child support started and then it got bad. After that the CILCO bill skyrocketed up and now I am on a payment plan, but it requires us to pay $250 a month for a year and that's a lot for us. That's bigger than a week's check for Vince. So I am planning on going back to work. First, I'm going to try Olive Garden and see if they will let me back. I know that people aren't going out to eat as much so I'm a little worried about being able to get my job back. I didn't exactly quit for maternity leave, I quit in July and was only a month pregnant at the time, but the smell of the food made me sick. I just hope the managers are understanding enough to let me back. *fingers crossed* I would like to just work part time because I don't want to leave Logan while he is still so young. I'm going to have to work nights though so Vince can watch him after he gets off work. My worry is, I will have a work a Sunday shift, that's just a mandatory thing they do if you aren't working Mon-Fri and Vince says he doesn't want to watch Logan on Sunday night because he has to get up early on Monday for work. Well boohoo!!! I get up with him every frickin' morning to make him breakfast and it's not like I get to go back to sleep once Vince leaves for work. Logan gets up about the same time that Vince leaves so I take care of him for a few hours until he falls asleep and then I start trying to clean the house. So it's not like I'm just sitting around on my butt all day at home doing nothing!! Vince is so stubborn and Logan is just like him already, I can tell. He fights me when I try and burp him and he screams bloody murder when I change his diaper. There is no way I am going to hire a babysitter to watch Logan on Sunday night because I don't know anybody. Plus I'm not going to trust just anybody with my baby. Vince seriously needs to grow up!!! But if it comes down to it, I may need to find someone to watch him on Sunday nights. So if any of my readers would like to baby sit on Sundays I would be really grateful :)

Logan is doing good, he eats like a pig. I nurse him and he is still always hungry after he's finished with me so I'm always making him a bottle. I hope my breastpump comes soon. I'm getting tired of waiting for this thing. Yesterday I went to the grocery store and took Logan with me. He was such a good little boy in the store, all quiet, just watching the lights on the ceiling as I walked around. Once we got into the car and on our way home, he started screaming. A couple days ago and had kicked his little legs so hard, he cut his heal on the car seat and I was worried about him being fussy in the car because I didn't want him hurting himself. I had socks on him, so I thought he would be ok. Well on the way home, he wouldn't stop screaming and when I finally get back to our house the street is lined with cars and our stupid neighbor is parked right in front of my house even though he has a driveway he can park in. Stupid idiot!! So I have to park a ways away and carry my screaming baby into the house. I wanted to tell the neighbor off, but I just gave his wife a dirty look(she was still sitting in the car). I get in the house and yell for Vince to watch Logan so I can go get the groceries. I come back in and Vince is cuddling Logan and says "He cut his heal open" I look at the car seat and there is blood all over the spot that his little foot was. I started bawling!! My poor baby!! I washed him up and put some Neosporin and a band-aid on him and then called my mom and cried to her. He just has such a strong kick. Logan is starting to get fussy so that's all for now.

Dogonit!!

My dog, Pillow, is driving me crazy!! We put the dogs outside after Vince fixed the fence in the backyard and T-Bone escaped again before I even came home from the hospital. I've already decided that if PAWS calls and tells me they have him, I'm going to tell them to keep him. I'm not paying another $100 to get him out. Anyway, this isn't about T-Bone, it's about Pillow. She cried so much the first couple of days she was outside after T-Bone ran away, but there was no way I was letting her back into the house, not with the baby. She has torn the screen off the screen door and sticks her head through it, trying to get inside I guess. The crying and the torn screen really got on my nerves, but that wasn't the last of it. A few days ago when it was really windy, one of our garbage cans was knocked over by the wind and Pillow got into it. There was garbage all over the back yard and we live next to an alley where people cut through a lot. It is SO embarrassing to have garbage just sitting in your yard. I didn't want to wait for Vince to get around to picking it up because who knows how long that would take, so I just did it myself. I did smack her butt a few times when she came over to me, I was just so mad. Now on Wednesday, she got into the garbage again and this time I know she knocked them over herself, but now it's both garbage cans so it's double the garbage. Plus the fact that Thursday is garbage day and all our garbage was laying around in the yard. I don't have the desire to pick it up this time, but that was the last straw. I was planning on calling TAPS and asking if they could take her, but then I looked on their website and it says they ask for a donation if you surrender your animal to them and I really have no extra money to do that so she won't be going to TAPS. I ended up just putting her on freecycle and someone did write me saying they wanted her. Now I'm just waiting to see if he will respond back to the email I just sent him. I'm hoping he still wants her!!

But yesterday, I get a letter in the mail from PAWS here in Peoria about T-Bone. It said that since I have reclaimed T-Bone twice from them, yes he has escaped from us more than once, I will have to have him neutered. Good luck with that, since he is gone again. Then it says, if I don't do this by April 10, I will get a misdemeanor charge. Are you kidding me ?!?! I would get a misdemeanor put on my record for not neutering my dog?! This is yet another reason why I hate this stupid city, ugh I just want to get out of here!!!! So anyway, I'm planning on calling them and telling them, T-bone once again ran away. I have a feeling that they would come by the house to see if I was telling the truth and Pillow doesn't have up to date tags. They would make me get her rabies shots and new tags and the money just isn't there. That's another reason I'm trying to get rid of her. I don't want to spend anymore money on dogs. Once we can get rid of Pillow, I don't plan on getting another dog for a number of years, maybe never. I'm just getting sick and tired of all that comes with being a dog owner in the city of Peoria. If you've read my other blogs, you'll know what I'm talking about.

Logan is doing great! I'm still supplementing him with formula because he just isn't getting enough from me. I went to WIC two days ago and asked about a breast pump and they told me my OB had to write a prescription for one and send it to some place near Chicago. I really need a pump because I want to get Logan off the formula, so I just need to find the time to go to my OB and get this taken care of. After two weeks, Logan is now back to his birth weight, yeah!! And he is peeing after almost every feeding now too. I'm so happy that things are going better with him. When I put him to my shoulder to burp him, he can actually hold his head up now for an extended period of time and when I put him on his tummy, he can almost roll onto his side, and he's only two weeks old!! I don't want him growing up too fast. Vince says he gets the strength from him and that's why he is so strong. LOL, I think that's funny, but it's probably true. I'm a weakling. I think that's all I have for now.

A Baby Story

Wow, things have been crazy!! As most of you know, I was due on Feb. 19 and have just been waiting around for the little guy to make his appearance. On Monday, I had an appointment with my OB and was planning on talking with her about getting induced since she was going to be leaving for vacation on Thursday and I really wanted to have her deliver Logan. I was worried about using pitosin though because my mom told when they induced her and used pitosin, it was very hard on her body and it might have the same effect on me. So I go in on Monday and nothing has really changed so she asks what I want to do and I tell her I would like to get him out because I wanted her to deliver him. She also said that he was facing the wrong way and that might cause some problems as well. I mentioned my concern about pitosin and she told me they would give me a pill orally to try and start contractions and if it wasn't working good enough then they would start pitosin. So she called the hospital and told me I could head over to Methodist right away. I called Vince up and told him I had to come and pick him up from work, since I had driven him to work so I could use to car to go to the OB. We grabbed some lunch and my bags and headed to Methodist and got there around noon. I was getting super scared though because I just didn't really know what to expect.

They started me out on my medicine and was told I would be given 4 doses every 4 hours. So it was pretty much a waiting game from then on. Around 10 that night the contractions finally started. I couldn't sleep at all that night cause the pain just kept getting worse, but I really wanted to do this without an epidural. They started the pitosin at 7am the next morning and then my midwife came in and broke my water. I couldn't deal with the pain and they said they could give me something called neomorphin (sp?), so I opted for that. I was worried that it might affect the baby, but they were saying such a small amount goes in that he would be fine. Since the baby was facing the wrong way I was having back labor and people say this is the worst kind, I believe them. It was very painful!! The drug they gave me helped me to sleep as well and while I was sleeping a group of nurses came in and told me I needed me to lay on my back because the baby's heart rate had dropped, I looked at the monitor and it was really low. When laying on my back didn't work they told me to lay on my other side and gave me oxygen. His heart rate started to go up a little so the nurses left again. About a half hour later they came back and told me his heart rate had dropped again and made me get on my elbows and knees along with the oxygen. I was getting so scared by now. What was happening to my baby? I was able to lay on my side soon after and the Dr. came in and told me if things didn't start progressing they would have to do a c-section. They turned off the pitosin drip and I was in so much pain by now I told them I wanted the epidural. So much relief after that, no more pain!! The baby's heart rate went back up and I was doing contractions on my own without the drugs. Come to find out it was the pitosin that caused the baby's heart rate to drop. I knew I had a reason to worry about that stuff!!

Things were progressing really well, but I was stuck on 9 cm and they wouldn't let me push until I was fully dilated. My epidural was starting to wear off and I made Vince go get a nurse. I said I needed more epidural because it was hurting so bad!! They came and gave me another dose and all was well again. I was stuck on 9 cm for a few hours and then a nurse came in and had me push and just moved the rest of the cervix out of the way, just like that!! Ugh! I started pushing at 7:15pm and didn't get the baby out until 10:13 pm. So in all I was in labor for 24 hours and pushed for 3 hours. I don't plan on having anymore kids anytime soon, lol!! Logan Frederick Beeney weighed 7 lbs 12 oz and 19 1/2 inches long. Just right. My midwife told me she was so proud of me because she didn't think I would make it this far, she figured I would have to have a c-section. I am so happy it's all over and now I have my little baby.

Vince said when they took Logan to the nursery for the first time he pooped right away all over his blankets, lol!! He has some skin tags on his ear and they said that could indicate kidney problems. They did a sonogram on him and everything came up normal. They were keeping an eye on him though because he wasn't urinating like they wanted him to. He only peed once the whole time we were at the hospital and that was from them having to sprinkle warm water on him to make him go. The first night we were home he peed once during the night and that was it. So in all only two times in the three days he had been alive :( They kept telling me that breastfeeding is the way to go and I was planning on doing that the whole time. He latched really easily, but my milk still hadn't come in so that may have been a reason for him not peeing. The nurses told me I didn't have to supplement him with formula because what he was getting from me was good enough. The pediatrician however said I should give him some formula and I guess he told the nurses this to, but they never told me and so never gave me any formula to take home. A couple of premixed batches, but not enough to really supplement him. So I just kept breastfeeding and he was crying all the time, the entire first night. I did end up giving him some of the premixed stuff the nurses gave me because I really needed to sleep but I felt so guilty for doing it. I had an appointment set up for Logan on Friday to see the pedi. and asked my mom to come with. They weighed him and he had lost almost a pound! My poor little guy, the pedi got after me for not giving him formula, but from what the nurses told me, I thought I was doing exactly what I should be. I almost cried right in front of him, I felt so bad and humiliated. I felt like I starved my poor little man. The pedi gave me some formula to take home and told me to feed him every 2-3 hours. I have to go back on Monday to make sure he is gaining weight. I'm just so worried now that I'm giving him formula that my milk will never come in. I try breastfeeding him first and if he's still fussy I give him formula, but it just doesn't feel like I will ever get my milk. I'm really upset about it, but at least Logan isn't starving now. He didn't pee at all last night and he hadn't peed in over 24 hours. The pedi called to check up on me today and I told him Logan still hadn't peed and he told me if he still hadn't by this evening I need to take him to the ER, there could be something wrong with his kidneys. When I gave Logan his bath, soon after hanging up with the pedi, he did finally pee!! I hope he keeps it up. I'm just so worried about the little guy, I hope I'm doing everything right. He is sleeping better though so I will take that as a good sign :)

Anywho, a few other things have been going on as well. While I was at the hospital Vince hooked up the new kitchen faucet and now I have working sink, yeah!! He and has dad had been working on the plumbing all week and the faucet was the finishing touch. Vince also worked on the fence outside and made it very secure. He kicked the dogs out so when I came home, I wouldn't have to worry about them anymore. Well, T-Bone dug a hole underneath the fence and escaped while we were at the hospital and he is long gone. I really don't care anymore, that dog had way too much energy and if he is going to go running off all the time then I don't want to deal with him. Who knows where he is now, but I'm not paying another $100 to get him out of PAWS if they catch him. We've already wasted enough money on these stupid dogs! And my priorities have changed a little as well, my baby is WAY more important than any animal. Pillow is still outside and she's staying out there even though she is constantly crying and has already ripped the screen on the screen door to shreds. I am really starting to wonder why I ever wanted a dog. Also, Vince and I were looking forward to our tax refunds because I was going to pay all the bills for the following month with my return and we were going to save all of Vince's return to pay for Logan's needs. There was something in the mail yesterday that said the government is taking all of Vince's tax returns to pay for his debt owed on child support!! All of that money is gone now. This is not what I needed right after having a baby. He won't be caught up next year with his child support either, since he has to back pay for a full year so that means I will have to work and claim Logan so his stupid, selfish ex won't get next year's tax returns too!!! So now I'm really torn on what to do. My tax returns won't be enough to pay the bills and for Logan and unfortunately, if we don't pay the bills then we won't have electricity and we need that for obvious reasons. Money wasn't supposed to be a worry right now with Logan. I have enough to worry about with him, I don't need this extra stress.

Anytime Now

Well, today is my due date and so far....nothing. Every morning for about the past week I've had cramping, but then it goes away. A couple of nights ago I had a couple contractions(I think, I'm not really sure what they feel like) but then when I started walking around they stopped. Ugh, I just want this kid out of me!! I think the worst part is sleeping and then rolling over to my other side. So uncomfortable!!! For those of you who have yet to experience pregnancy, it's great until the 3rd trimester and then it's almost impossible to get comfortable without contorting your body into positions I didn't even think possible. Plus, I get up at 5:30 every morning with Vince to make him breakfast and see him off to work. I already told him that once the baby comes, he will probably have to fend for himself in the mornings. He doesn't seem to understand why though. Are guys really that stupid!?

My kitchen sink still isn't up and running and since I have no bathtub, just a shower, I really need this to get done!! I have to have some way to give Logan a bath. I'm also begging Vince to make sure the fence in the back yard is solid from top to bottom because the dogs are going outside permanently once that is done. OMgosh they stink SO bad and it's not just me, my mom came over and said it really stinks like dog, yuck!! Pillow enjoys dragging herself along the rug in the living room and spreading her hair and mucus all over the rug and every morning when I come downstairs it smells worse than it did the day before. I stay up in the bedroom almost constantly because of this. Dumb dog!! I'm sure that family and friends will want to come and see the baby at our house and I don't want my home to reek. I need these dogs out so I can actually clean the rug so it no longer stinks. Oh yeah, and T-Bone has already managed to some how wiggle his way out of the back yard!! The dog is crazy!! We have a decent sized back yard, I don't understand why he thinks he needs more room to run. We found him before he got too far, but that is why I need Vince to make sure the fence is good to go.

I went to the OB yesterday and my nurse practitioner was not in because she was delivering a baby so I saw another lady. She asked me if I was planning on going natural or wanting to be induced. I told her I really wanted to not be induced. My mom was induced with 3 out of her 4 children and she said the drug they gave her was REALLY hard on her body and it would probably have the same effect on me. So I had it set in my mind I would just wait for the little guy to make his appearance when he was good and ready. Well, she tells me that Dana, the woman who would be delivering me, will be leaving at the end of next week. She will be here on Wednesday, but be gone by Thursday. Oh great!! She also said, that at this particular office, they don't let a woman go past 41 weeks. For me that would be on the Thursday that Dana will be gone. My grandma was almost 3 weeks late with my mom and my mom was 2 weeks late with me so I'm pretty sure I'm going to be late with my baby. I really have no desire to get induced. So I will be going back in on Monday to see Dana and talk with her about my options. My mom suggested I ask if they could just break my water and try and get the process started without using any drugs. I'll see if Dana thinks that is a good idea. So if Logan isn't here by Monday, I will probably have to schedule a day to go in and get the little guy out. This wasn't my plan, but I guess things have a way of changing on their own.

If I don't have a chance to get on here again before he is born and you would like to come and see me and Logan *hint hint* :) I will be delivering him at Methodist. I will try to keep everyone updated on the situation though.

Pay It Forward

I'm not sure how many people have heard the phrase, "pay it forward" before, but for those who haven't, it means doing something out of the ordinary for someone else without expecting anything in return. The only thing you should do is continue on and do something special for someone else. For example, you're in the drive through at a fast food place and you tell the cashier that you want to pay for the person's meal who is behind you in line. That would be considered paying it forward.

Now that we've got that all worked out. I actually had this happen to me this past week. If you keep up on my blogs, you know that things have been kind of rough lately for me. On Saturday, I went out to get the mail and there was a piece of mail for me. I love getting mail as long as it's not a bill, so of course I was excited. I didn't recognize the return address, so I was a little worried as well. I tear it open and there is a small note along with a check for an undisclosed amount of money. I was floored to say the least. I then realized, I did know the name of return address. However, I had only met this wonderful woman once in my entire life and it wasn't under the best circumstances. The note pretty much said, she felt that this was something she needed to. How do you even respond to something that amazing? There are so many good people in this world, but sometimes I just forget to look. I get so wrapped up in my own little world and my problems, I don't think about other people. We should all look a little closer and we could someone who needs help. It could be someone you loathe, but if you do something special for them, it will make an impact. What this woman did was beyond amazing and I will definitely be passing the favor along to someone else in the near future. Paying it forward!!

It's a Miracle

Pretty much anyone who knew me a year ago, knew that both of my dogs were stolen after they managed to escape under the fence in our back yard. Some kids picked them up and sold them on the street. At the time we had had T-Bone for almost 1 1/2 yrs while we had only had Pillow for a month. I was devastated to say the least. Pillow was found a couple of days after the fact, when a family saw one of the many fliers we had put up about our lost dogs and called. T-Bone, I came to realize, I would never see again. Especially since the cop that we talked to said that at the age T-Bone was, they were probably fighting him. And I would rather him been dead, then been fought. I went to the shelter in Peoria everyday to look through all the stray dogs that had been picked up, but none of them ever was my T-Bone. The folks at the shelter came to know me by name and were always very helpful, kudos to them because I could never do that job, deciding which animals live and which die. I eventually gave up hope of ever finding him, I just kept praying that if anything he was with a family that was taking care of him. Well, two days ago I got a phone call from PAWS. At first I figured they were calling about rabies tags because Pillow needs up to date ones still. But he just said, "We picked up a dog registered to a Lindsey Koch, named T-Bone" I was sitting on the couch at the time and seriously almost fell off. He's like, "You've been missing him for a while, haven't you?" I said for a year, and it was, almost exactly to the date. He continued, "Yeah, I picked him up on Ann St in the south side." I told him I would have to come and get him tomorrow as Vince was already gone to work and I had no vehicle. I called Vince the moment I got off the phone with PAWS and told him the news and he is just like, "I knew he'd turn up eventually, he's an escape artist." Yeah, so he says, he's always gotta be right, lol. The only reason that T-Bone was able to be given back to us was because of the microchip and had put in probably six months before he disappeared. Otherwise, they never would have known who's dog he was. I'm all for microchips now!! In dogs anyway, not people. When we got to the shelter the next day they told us that since he wasn't current on his rabies shot we would have to pay an extra $20 to get him out. Ummm..ok, he's not current on his rabies shot because he was stolen and how the heck were we supposed to have any control over that. I tried to explain this to the guy, but he's just like, "It doesn't matter" He was being an ass and wouldn't listen and obviously didn't care. Ugh, so we had to dish out more money, plus we have to get him his shots in 2 weeks or we'll have to pay $100 ticket and then get his updated rabies tag which is $30, which I recently learned that in Tazewell, is only $10. What's up with that?! So we are spending about $170 to get our dog back. But I love T-Bone so much, so of course we are going to spend the money. And now, my little family is back together again, a year later. And in less than a month, another member will join our little clan :) It really is a miracle.

So now then, Vince is still working at the same place and on Friday they laid a bunch of people off. Everyday is a suprise at his work. Will you stay or will you get canned? It's very nerve racking. I've been searching online for ways to make money and finally came across a GPT(get-paid-to)website where you complete offers and other easy stuff. I hate not being able to help support us. I think it's because I was the bread winner of our family for over a year and now I'm not doing anything. I thought I would enjoy sitting at home and being a little house wife, which I'm guessing would be easier if I wasn't 8 months pregnant and just wobbling around the house, lol. But anywho, so I've been on this site for a few days and I've already made $28, which isn't a lot, but I hate not contributing anymore to our money tree. I don't like not having my OWN money, so this is the best I can do for now. I wrote a bulletin about it because I know everyone is tight on money these days and a little extra cash can go a long way, if you let it. If you didn't see the bulletin and are interested in making a little extra money for yourself just follow this link: http://www.treasuretrooper.com/483074 I promise it's not spam and you don't need to put any money upfront. So now I'm thinking I might end up going back to work sooner than expected because I can't deal with not helping with our funds, but I guess it also depends on how I feel and what shifts we would both work. I really don't want to put the baby in daycare so if we could work opposing shifts then someone would always be at home with the baby. I realize though doing that, Vince and I would never see eachother though. I just don't know what we are going to do. Hopefully Vince can find another job that isn't laying people off every week, so pretty much anything that has nothing to do with CAT, which is probably half of Peoria. I suggested he apply at some restuarants as a cook since they make decent money, and he's thinking about it. I just hope our money problems turn around soon, but in this economy, I doubt it.