Did I Do Something Wrong?

When you think things can't get any worse, they always do. I'm not going to make my life seem all hunky dory because it's not. I'm struggling to make my relationship with Vince work. He always has to be right about everything. I'm getting tired of dealing with it all the time. My parents left for vacation today so yesterday I was visiting them with Logan and I stayed for dinner and then we all played a board game afterwards. My older brother was also there and we managed to get along pretty good which is rare. I really enjoyed spending time with them and knowing I wouldn't see them all for over a week made me not want to leave. While I was there I got a call from the health dept. telling me that they wanted to do a walkthrough of my house tomorrow to figure out what needed to be done about the lead. They were coming at 9am the next day. I called Vince to let him know they would be coming and he asked if I would be coming home soon so we could clean up the house. I told him I wanted to stay for a bit since they were leaving on vacation. So the night goes great. I load Logan into the car and head home and call Vince to let him know I had left. He procceds to get very angry with me for not coming home sooner and then hangs up the phone. I get home and the house is a mess!! He hadn't done a single thing. He couldn't even throw away the little bit of garbage that was in the living room. He didn't clean up after himself from his dinner and just left his pork chop bones sitting on the counter in the kitchen!! UGH!!! Why couldn't he have done anything?! I start cleaning up and yell at him for not doing anything. He's like, "You didn't come home on time so I didn't want to do anything" Meaning he's too selfish to do it himself and makes me clean it all. We went to bed mad at eachother and this morning he was still being an ahole. He throws his clothes around and knocks over the fan. I didn't make him breakfast or lunch I was so pissed with him!! When he gets out to the car he calls me and says that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, we just aren't working out. I seriously can't stand him sometimes, but I don't want to break up because Logan is WAY more important to me than anything else in this world. I really would like him to have a daddy and not have to go between houses. Vince rarely sees his other son and I don't want that to happen to Logan, he deserves better from a dad. I have been putting all of my energy into this relationship trying to make it work, but Vince is just like la di da about it. He really doesn't care. I'm at my wits end with everything. I don't know what to do. Logan doesn't deserve this, maybe I should have put him up for adoption.

Growing Up

Wow, I cannot believe that Logan is just over 4 months now. Time is going by way too fast. It's so awesome though to watch him grow. He's laughing and rolling over and grabbing at everything now. He is just such a joy! This coming up weekend is the Fourth of July and it will be Logan's first fireworks. I still remember last year's July 4th was when I told my friends that I was pregnant. That was a scary and very stressful time for me. I'm glad all that is behind me and now I have my amazing little boy. I have both the digital camera and the video camera all charged up for Saturday. I hope he likes the fireworks, but he isn't a fan of the loud noises so we'll just have to wait and see.

Nothing too exciting has been going on lately, other than Logan growing like a weed. I have, however, finally made up my mind that I am going back to school. I can't raise Logan like this. We live below the poverty line and I don't want him knowing we are poor. Vince doesn't have a hs diploma and doesn't want to take his GED so it seems I am the one stuck going to school and getting the good job. I would love for Vince to be the one making the money and letting me stay home with Logan, but it doesn't look like that will ever happen. I love Vince, but sometimes I really wish he would better assert himself. I am planning on applying for the physical therapy assistant program. I went and talked to an adviser and she said they only have 24 spots available every year and last year 54 people applied. So I'm guessing I probably won't get into the 2010 program, but will probably get into the 2011. There is a dilema that I am mulling over in my head. If I get into the 2011 program Logan will be 2. The program is two years long so when I finish Logan will be 4. I always wanted my children to be close in age just because they seem to enjoy a sibling that isn't a lot younger than them. I'm 3 yrs younger than my brother and we got along great as kids. My sister is 6 years younger than me and we didn't get along so great. I'm just afraid that I won't be able to have another baby until Logan is at least 5 years old and I hate that. Obviously, I can't have a a baby while I'm in school so it's just going to have to wait until I finish school, get a job and hold it for at least a year. This really bothers me. What do you think? Another thing with this is, Logan will be an only child(he has a half brother, but I don't know how close they'll be) and I'm afraid that he might become very angry when he finds out he is going to have to share mommy and daddy after 5 years of having us to himself. I can't put school on hold any longer, I will already be 28 by the time I graduate and that is too long in itself. So here I go, finally growing up. Becoming a parent changes your perspective of EVERYTHING!!!!

I Should Be Sleeping

Today has just been one of those days. Logan slept through the night last night, so I was actually able to get a little sleep. I think he must be going through a growth spurt because for the past few nights he's been getting up a few times. I usually just nurse him and back to sleep he goes. I have no idea how I am going to wean him, and I don't even exclusively breastfeed. The problem is, that he won't suck on a pacifier, so I'm having to use myself as a pacifier. I'm really going to have to get him to grow out of this soon. Next week he is going to be four months, I can't believe how fast the time is going!!! He's also going to the pedi. for his checkup and to get his shots, poor baby. I hate doing that. This time I'll remember to give him tylenol before we go. Next Sunday is Vince's birthday. His family reunion is also on that day so we'll just be going there. We hope to go out another day for his birthday, but we'll have to see how money is. I feel so bad, but I have no way of buying him a present. I just have absolutly no money. But that isn't really new news.

I've been complaining about getting a job lately, so today I called up Olive Garden and asked about getting my job back. Gerald, who is the GM, told me I would need to come in a fill out an application and then it just depends if they need anybody. I hope they do. This was my backup it I coudn't find a job! Plus there is a new service manager whom I have never met, so that's also playing against me. Oh I just hope I can get a job!! In other news, PAWS called me today and told me they found T-Bone again. Earlier I had told them that if they found him, they could keep him. I knew I would never be able to come up with money to get him out, and I just really didn't want to know about it. So I tell her that I can't afford to get him out, plus pay to get him neutered and she tells me that he will be euthinized. I really don't know why she had to tell me that. I asked her if it looked like he had been fought and she said no, he was actually found on my block. How could this happen. He's been in the area the whole time and I've never seen him!! Now I can't get the picture out of my head of them dragging him back to the room to be put to sleep. It just keeps playing in my head and I hate it. Why did she have to tell me, I didn't want to know!!! Before he got away the first time, he was the most awesome dog. He did what he was told and was just a very loving dog. We took him in as a puppy because his owners weren't allowed to keep him at the place they were renting. I loved that dog to pieces. I know my priorities have changed with having Logan, but I will always have a place in my heart for T-Bone. Here's to you T-Bone, may you rest in peace.

Are There Any Jobs Out There?

So as you know I've been looking for a job for the past two months and with no luck. Actually there was one place in Pekin that offered me a job, but it was full time and wanted me to start the next day which a couldn't do what with having a 3 month old and no baby sitter lined up. So I turned them down and now I'm glad I did. I actually found their job on craigslist and was looking there again today and someone posted something about this job saying "don't waste your time with them, they won't pay" Now this person may have been fired or just had a bad experience, but to me it's kind of a sign. I've been feeling so upset about turning down the job because it was really good money, so now that I see this, I'm feeling a LOT better. I am now seriously considering going back to work at Olive Garden just because I don't think I would have a problem getting my job back and plus it's better than nothing. And we REALLY need the money. Taxes were due a few days ago and we have no money to pay them at all so I need something so we can get back on our feet.

I'm going to go to ICC next week and talk with an advisor about going back to school. I'm thinking either medical assistant/coding or radiography. I'm planning on applying for both so hopefully I'll get into one of them. It won't be until next year though because the deadline for applying for the fall programs was back in January. It'll probably be easier to get a babysitter for Logan when he's one anyway. Vince and I were planning on staying in Peoria for five more years, right before Logan would go to school, but now there is just no way. I hate dealing with this city and the people are just so rude!! I don't want Logan growing up around that. I would LOVE to find a house in Tremont, that's my dream. But they are so expensive!! It would be so awesome if Logan could go to the same school I went to. I absolutly loved it there. Something else that I've been discussing with Vince is getting married somewhere else. He still doesn't want to get married at the courthouse and I can't get him to change his mind. So now we are thinking an outdoor wedding maybe in someone's backyard or a park. It has to be somewhere cheap. We would also have to hire someone to marry us, like a chaplain, but I don't think they are listed in the phone book, so I'm not really sure where to find them. If anyone has any info on a chaplain, please let me know. Vince is complaining of hunger so I better go feed him now, lol!!

Lead Paint is Sweet

Well, that's what the lead nurse told me when she came to visit. Lead paint has a sweet taste and that's why kids like to chew on it. We had the inspector from the health dept come out on Monday and check our house for lead. It took him about two hours. He had this hand held machine that would read the walls and tell him if there was any lead. I was a little worried though because we had painted all the walls with new paint and I wasn't sure if this machine would be able to read through our paint. No worries though, he said it could read through 50 layers of paint. Phew!! And the conclusion he and his little machine came up with is, there is a lot of lead on the outside of the windows, plus the front and back porch are loaded. The inside was a hit and miss and I'm thinking that is because we did scrap some of the ways down to the plaster beneath. but some walls we left alone. He also said that our staircase is covered in lead as well. He is going to write a report and send us a copy so we'll know for sure, but his guess is, they are going to replace all the windows and probably carpet the stairs and this is all at no cost to me!!! Yeah, finally something I like from Peoria!! I won't be able to stay at the house while they are doing all this so I will probably be spending most, if not all, the time at my parents.

Vince has a friend who said he might be able to get me a job where he works at, which is a catering place. So I went and filled out an application yesterday and forgot to write his name on it!!! Ugh, I'm such an idiot!! So I'm going to wait a couple of days a call them. I don't think they are advertising for help so hopefully not too many people are applying. They did tell me they are probably only hiring nights and weekends, which is fine. That way Vince can stay home with Logan and I won't have to worry about a babysitter. But now, Vince's truck is messed up again. The darn thing is from 1987 so it has it's problems. We just bought a new alternator for it a few weeks ago and now the brake lines are leaking so he can't stop. This stinks because I just got the car back since he's been using his truck, but now he's taking the car to work again, so I am now stuck at home just like I used to be. I don't like this. Not that I can really do much anyway. It's not like I can go a spend money since I don't have a job. That's another thing. Vince's birthday is at the end of the month and I really need a job so I can get him something. It doesn't make any sense to buy him a present with his own money. This weekend is the Turkey Festival and I'm hoping we have a little extra money cause I would love to go. Plus my little sister is going to be in the Miss Tremont Pageant and I am definitely going to see that. Can't wait to see her!!

Still On the Hunt

I had that interview and it ended up being not what I thought. I was hoping I might be able to work part-time, but was told they are open 6 days a week and I would need to work 5 of those days from 9:30am until 6 or 7 pm. They also wanted me to start the very next day and I told them I couldn't do that since I have a baby and would need to line up a babysitter. They didn't really seem to care, so I decided that job was not for me. I'm starting to get really frustrated. I've only been applying at places where I know I could make a decent amount, but now I'm thinking I should start looking at the lower income jobs, just so I can make something, but still keep looking for a better job. Vince and I are going to have to come up with real estate taxes in the next week and there is no way that is going to happen. Just as long as we pay the first installment before Sept. we should be ok, even though there will be about a $40 late fee added to it, but there is nothing else that we can do.

Logan got his first cold as well. Poor little guy. He's been sleeping really well through the night, but last night he kept waking up coughing and he sounded all stuffed up. I think I'm just going to have to let it run it's course though. I know he got it from me and my throats been bothering me too so I hope he's not in any pain. Just coughing and a runny nose hopefully. We tried to give him cereal last night and he seemed to do ok. After the first couple of bites and actually opened his mouth when I brought the spoon to him. It's so exciting seeing him grow up, but it's already going by WAY to fast. We all went to some garage sales this past weekend and I found a saucer. It's not anything great, no toys attached or anything, but he seems to like it. We have to put some blankets around him though since he is a little small for it. Ok, well I hear Logan coughing so I better go.

Three Months Already?!

My goodness, how time does fly. Logan turned three months on the 24 of May and I can't believe how much he's already doing. He just started laughing this past week and it is so precious and yesterday he rolled over for the first time. He did cry though once he got onto his back, I'm thinking it must have scared him. I had an interview last week for a job at Merry Maid's but decided not to take it after I realized I would only be getting paid around $150 for three days, plus then having to pay a babysitter so I wouldn't be coming home with very much. I've been checking different online job sites everyday and came across one that looks decent. I called them up and am going in tomorrow to fill out an application and have a interview. I think they might only be hiring full time though so I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that. My sister has been looking for a job this summer and my mom is going to ask her is she wants to watch Logan a few days a week so I could work. I would pay her of course. The thing is I'm going to need to find someone to watch him those other two days. I need it to be someone I can trust so if anyone knows of somebody who is good with kids and looking for a job, I would be willing to talk with them. Logan is somewhat of a difficult baby though. He is gassy and so cries and complains a lot and I'm afraid of leaving him with someone I don't know for fear of them getting angry and hurting him. I would never forgive myself if something were to happen to him.

Our fridge is a piece of junk since the darn thing won't go into defrost mood. We already had somebody come out and look at it and they changed the timer and it was working for a while, but then it started icing up again. We keep it at the recommended temp though so it's not icing up because it's too cold, it's just broken. I asked my parents if they had an extra fridge we could borrow until we buy a new one and they did. It hadn't been turned on for ten years, but it still works!! Thank goodness, since all our food was going bad in the fridge. They told me I could go ahead and keep it as well. Woohoo!! Well it looks like my little man is waking up so I better go. I'll try and update a little later.