Am I Crazy?

This is a really random post, but I'm awake and this is what is on my mind. I have a constant fear of Logan dying. Is this normal? I really don't think so. I'm scared he's going to fall from the top of the stairs and break his neck. We have a gate, but it still worries me. I'm scared he's going to stop breathing and die in his sleep. I'm scared the crib will break(like the ones that are being recalled) and he will get stuck between the side of the crib and mattress and suffocate. I'm scared going out to the car in the dark, afraid that someone will shoot us. When I left him at my parents on Black Friday, I was scared something would happen to him even though I know my parents are very capable of taking care of a baby. I don't like having this fear. It doesn't keep me awake at night...well I guess tonight it is. I want to go check on him, but the door doesn't latch right so if I try and open his door it will be very noisy and wake him. And I can't leave it cracked open because the house isn't level and the door just swings wide open. Maybe it's the hormones, but it's been 9 months since I had him, shouldn't these hormones have subsided by now? I couldn't find anything online about this so I don't know what's bugging me. I just love him sooo much and would be heartbroken if anything ever happened to him. I don't think I would have such a fear about being shot if we didn't live in Peoria. I hate this city. Seriously, is there something wrong with me?

I Knew It

Well the car has been acting up, just like I knew it would. Something bad had to happen. The tires were all messed up and the car shook really bad, it almost felt like a tire was about to fall off. My dad gave me a Christmas present early and paid for all new tires!! I love my dad. Unfortunately that isn't all. The brakes are bad and so the anti-lock brakes aren't working right now and my coolant is leaking somewhere, which means I have no heat. And that really sucks when I wake up at 5am to get to work. It's really cold in the morning and with no heat in the car, it doesn't make for a very pleasant drive. We have to keep adding more coolant to the radiator because I don't want to drive without heat when Logan is in the car.

Vince and I went shopping on Black Friday and it was actually pretty productive. We got almost half of all the presents bought, but some things we wanted to get were sold out before we got there. So I'll just have to find something else to buy for those family members, no big deal. It wasn't too bad either. Logan stayed at my parent's house Thanksgiving night so we wouldn't have to get him up in the middle of the night and take him to one of the grandparent's to be watched. I was actually surprised to see so many little kids out on Black Friday. We woke up at 3am and headed to Toys R Us. They had opened at midnight though and everything that we wanted to get there was sold out. So we headed to Sears which opened at 4am, got a few things. Next was Walmart. I was little nervous about going here since they are SOOO busy. The parking lot was packed so we parked at Radioshack instead. This year Walmart allowed people to stand next to the item they wanted, but weren't allowed to put anything in their carts until 5am. I got what I wanted since a lady in front of me grabbed two of this item(I can't say what because it's someone's present) and handed me one. See, there are civilized people who shop :) We stood in the checkout line for almost 45 minutes though because someone was complaining about the price of things and made someone go back and get her what she wanted. That was annoying. We went to Menards right across the street and got in and out pretty fast. At this point we were heading to get some breakfast and Vince noticed an SUV behind us that appeared to be passing us, but it just stayed in the other lane, hit a guard rail and almost hit an oncoming car, but got out of the way just in time by going into a ditch. I'm guessing he fell asleep, but that was kinda freaky. After that we went to Farm N' Fleet and got my tires, but stood in line for over an hour and then spent the afternoon at my parent's waiting for them to put my tires on. So all in all, it was a good day.

On my previous post, I talked about how Vince wasn't helping me out with house work and such. Make no mistake, he is a wonderful father. Logan loves him very, very much and it's so obvious. I've been making cereal for Logan in the morning and then he goes down for his first nap at which time I leave for work. When I come home, Vince has fed Logan his lunch and he's using real food :) He has a bottle and then has his afternoon nap. I get home soon after Logan wakes up and feeds him dinner. And we've discovered he LOVES table food. At Thanksgiving he had the works, turkey, stuffing, green beans, gravy, cranberrys and even some pumpkin pie...everything was all ground up of course. Now my issue is the sippy cup. I've bought two different cups. Nuk and Nubby. He doesn't like Nubby at all, but since his bottles are already Nuk he took to that one a little better, but now he's not liking it. I'm not sure what to do about this because I don't want him to use the bottle too much longer, he'll be one in three months. He also doesn't know how to tip his head back in order to get the drink when there isn't much in the cup. If I hold it, he can do it, but when he holds it..not a chance. Any ideas on that one?

Mommy Time

When Logan was first born, I loved holding him and being a stay at home mom and just being able to be with him all the time. I didn't think I would ever not want to be with him. Well, the time has come and honestly even thinking about it makes me feel like a bad mom. When I stayed at home I was able to take care of Logan and the house and not have to worry about the stress of work. Easy enough, but Logan was only a few months old too, makes a big difference. Once I got my job and then started going back to school, I HATED being away from Logan. I still do. But then Vince got laid off so he would take over my responsibilities...or so I thought. I go to school Mon-Thurs. I work Fri-Sun. I don't have a day where I can just lay around and say, "I have nothing to do today" On the days that I go to school, I feed Logan food..not bottles for every meal, which Vince likes to do and I keep telling him not to. That bugs me!! I also do the dishes, clean the house, play with Logan and check on my facebook. What a glamorous life :) I make dinner and then go to class for two and half hours and then come home. Sometimes Logan is in bed...sometimes not. On the days that I work, I get up and feed Logan while Vince is still sleeping..even though it's 9:30 in the morning. He doesn't need to be up all night on the computer. But this is only on the days I work at 10:30, when I work at 6am, Vince has to feed Logan breakfast, but he feeds him bottles because he's 'too tired to mix up some cereal and fruit for him'. Are you friggin kidding me?! I do it everyday, why can't he? Anway, on those days I come home from work and Vince hands Logan over to me and then expects me to take up my regular duties of cleaning and cooking dinner. Well I'm tired when I get home!!! I don't want to do dishes and make dinner, why couldn't he do that while I was working? It's not like I ask that much of him. Yes, Logan is a handful now that he's moving..but it's such a joy to be there with him. I would gladly trade spots with Vince...I want to be a stay at home mommy again. I've already missed a couple of firsts:( But Vince doesn't get that. Maybe it's just how men are.

My point is...I'm getting burnt out!! I need a break. Working and school and taking care of Logan. I never get a break. I just want one day all to myself. No Vince, no Logan, no work, no school, no nothing...but is that ever going to happen, doubtful. I wish for once I could come home to a clean house. I hate walking into the kitchen and there's dirty dishes and garbage and other crap. But Vince doesn't clean. And honestly this is wearing on my relationship. I haven't told him, but he can tell something is bothering me. I'm just so tired all the time. I can't believe I'm still up actually, but tomorrow is my day off so I want to enjoy my evening. Sometimes thinking about getting married isn't something I really want to do with Vince. I don't believe in divorce and once we're married, it's final. Don't try to tell me otherwise...that's how I was raised. Do I really want to be married to man that won't do little things for me to make me feel special? Or clean the house to suprise me, not even clean the house...clean one room, even that would be appreciated. I don't know, this blog isn't what I was planning on writing, it just sort of got here by itself. It's just something in the back of my mind, but I love Logan and I don't want him growing up going between houses. I would give up my happiness for him, but what parent wouldn't. Ok, I'm getting exhausted just writing this..I'm going to bed.

Time Flies

Once again I'm having trouble staying on top of my blog. Sorry. This past week at work has been somewhat eventful. I wasn't there at the time, but heard about this second hand. I guess one of the dishwashers came into work with swollen and blistered hands. He was sent home and the kitchen was quarantined. Management didn't let anyone know what was going on, just that they had to re sanitize the dishes, use antibacterial hand gel and use styrofoam dishes instead of the glass ones. The manager of the kitchen even told the workers that if she knew what was going on, she would tell us. That was a lie. One of the servers used to work at a day care where the kids broke out with these same rashes on their hands. She knew what it was and told others it was Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease. It is extremely contagious. The thing with it though is that kids are more likely to get this disease and yet none of the workers were told what was going on. Many of them have kids and could have taken it home to them. That would be terrible and yet they still expected servers to be ok with it. Yeah right!! I'm glad I wasn't there. How can you run a business and not let the workers know what is going on. Don't we have the right to know? I'm seriously getting sick and tired of this place!! I continue applying to other places, but still haven't gotten any bites. Hopefully soon.

On another note, Logan has had a rash for three weeks. I thought it was a diaper rash and was using desitin like crazy. It wasn't working. I called the doctor and they prescribed me some RX cream. So we tried that and then I did a little research and discovered Logan doesn't have just a normal rash, it's a yeast infection. So I call the doctor up the next day and tell them I think it's yeast and was told the cream I was prescribed works on yeast, but I should also try mixing in some hydrocortizone. Did that and then he started getting diarreha, which is making the rash worse and won't give it time to heal. So I call the doctor up again...by this time I really just wanted to go in, but they must be swamped with flu patients because they just gave me some directions over the phone. They said the diarrhea was probably a virual infection and it would just have to work it's way through. Come on!! Isn't there anything I can do for my little guy? I call my mom and she tells me to feed him the B-R-A-T diet. Banana, Rice cereal, Apple, Tea. This will help him get those nutrients back that he is losing while having diarrhea. I hope it's helping. I ran out of the prescription cream two days ago and go to get it refilled and was told that it's too soon. "You already used it up" is what I heard from the pharm tech. Ummm, yeah my baby has had this rash for 3 weeks, so I'm lathering him up!! Well, they can't do anything until Monday when they can call the doctor and see if they can get an override to give me his next refill so soon. I wasn't planning on waiting until Monday. I bought some clotrimazole instead. Someone suggested it to me, it's an antifungal cream and the pharmacist told me if the doctor would suggest something, it would be this stuff. So here we go again. I really want my baby to feel better. I hate seeing him like this. He screams and cries everytime I change his diaper, I know it must hurt :( If the diarrhea doesn't let up, there is no way this rash is going to get better. Just keep my little guy in your prayers.

Will Power

I hate that word. Like when you are trying to lose weight. People say that they don't have the will power to not eat their favorite food. It is hard resisting those yummy foods. I've been having a lot of trouble with it lately. But it's my own fault. I go to work at 10:30, I eat breakfast before I go and eat lunch on my break at work. Dinner is another story. I get off work between 7 and 7:30 pm. When I get home I hold Logan, do his nightly routine and put him to bed. Once that is all done with I get to eat dinner which is usually around 8:30. Bad I know especially since I'm pretty much exhausted by 10 and I'm in bed by 10:05. So, needless to say I've gained some weight and I hate it. It is so true once you have kids, it's hard to find any time for yourself. Plus that fact that I work and go to school and don't have time to do exercise. Well that is about to change. Today I ordered a dvd called "Jillian Michael's Shred" I've heard great reviews about it and that people actually lose weight. Someone even said it's such a good workout it replaces the gym and it's only a twenty-five minute dvd. That's what I'm looking for. So I will keep everyone updated on the progress and if I even get time to do it every day. Can't wait to get started!!

Things are Getting Better, Uh Oh

It seems like when too many things are going good in my life something has to happen to make it terrible. I have a job, it's not great, but it's a job. Vince is getting unemployment and is able to watch Logan while I work. We are slowly starting to catch up on bills. Now I'm just waiting for the car to break down or something. They did cut my hours at work, and I can't really be working only 20 hours a week. I was working full time and it was hard to be away from Logan, but we really need the money. We still need money, but now I'm spending a little more time with my baby. If Vince starts working though, I'm not sure what I'm going to do about Logan. Lately I've been working from 6-2 which I like so I can actually use some time in my day. Normally I work from 10:30-7 which sucks!! The problem is, I don't want to have to wake Logan up at 4:30 in order to get him to a sitter so I can be at work by 6. Which leaves me with one choice if Vince gets a job, I have to find another job with better hours. I spent 5 months looking for a job and was finally hired at Riverview. But now that I'm there, I don't really like it. The people are nice yeah, but the manager is really not manager material. They want the dining room to be like a restaurant, but they are ALWAYS out of stuff. If a real restaurant was out of food, customers would leave, but these people live here. I just don't really think she knows what she's doing. Plus she's only been there a few more weeks than me and the only reason she works at Riverview is because her mom is the administrator there. I applied at a place in Bartonville, but she hasn't called me back. I heard that Kroger in Morton is hiring, but I don't know if it's just part time. I NEED full time. I know it seems like I am never happy, but I'm just picky. I almost wish I could get my job back at Olive Garden. I like the people there and the money was good and I didn't even have to work full time. I tried earlier, but I guess they didn't need anybody. I wish money wasn't an issue. If I didn't have Logan, I wouldn't worry so much, but I really want to provide a good life for him, which also means I don't want to be working all the time in order to make the money. Does anyone know of a serving job that is hiring anywhere? I don't like serving, but it really is one of the best paying jobs out there for the hours. Well, I guess I'll stop my worrying for now and write about it later once something happens.

For Family

Things have been pretty busy and it is hard for me to find the time to blog anymore. I usually just write about what has been going on in my life, but this time I want to do something different. I want to write about my family. I have a wonderful family and I love them to pieces. My older brother, though a little harsh at times, is a great person. He has some difficulty overcoming his disappointment in me, but I can understand why. I haven't made the last few years of his life easy. Everything I seem to do just makes things worse and worse. But from what my mom tells me he didn't really want a little sister anyway. Like, when I was little, he threw my toy into the closet and after I went in to grab it he locked me in there. I guess he used the toy as bait. Unfortunately, there was no key hole to unlock the door so my mom had to cut a hole in the door knob in order to get me out. I wonder if we still have that knob? Good times...don't remember it though.

My little sister is totally awesome. When I was a youngn' I prayed that God would give me a sister. When I was six, my prayers were answered with Ashleigh. After she was born, I didn't really want her. She would always follow me around and when my friends came over she had to be in on everything. But what younger sibling doesn't want to hang out with her older sister? We used to do this thing where we made this show called "The Lindsey and Ashleigh Show" We had one of those Fisher Price toys with the microphone and made a tape of our show. We'd just talk about random stuff, but it was really fun. Now she is a senior in high school. She has a boyfriend, I can't believe how fast she grew up. She was 13 when I moved out. I missed a lot of good years that I wish I hadn't. If I could go back, I would change a lot. I love my sister so much.

My little brother is such a drama king. I have never known someone to get so upset over the smallest things and he's only 10. He loves video games, especially anything to do with Spongebob. He also loves it when you watch him play video games and will talk your ear off about what he's done so far in the game. But if something goes wrong, watch out! He just gets his feelings hurt very easily, but he is such a sweetie. He doesn't like to lose, but unfortunately he is a sore loser and I hope he grows out of it. I don't have a lot of stories about Brandon since I moved out when he was only 5, again lots of good years I've missed. One thing, he is blonde haired and a lefty which is totally different from everyone else in the family. We are all dark haired and rightys. We told Mom that he was switched at birth. Recently we were watching some home movies and came across videos of baby Brandon and he looked exactly like Logan does at this age. So I guess he really is part of the family.

My parents are better than anyone could ask for. They put up with a lot of crap from me, but they still love me. I never understood that love until I had Logan...now I get it. My mom is beautiful and warm and loving. Even though she is more scary than Dad when she's angry, she is the one I can talk to about anything. Dad was the one who carried out with discipline, well I guess Mom did too with that notorius wooden spoon....ohhh that still gives me shudders. My Mom thinks she does too much for us kids and she's probably right, but we love her for it. But my mom had a lot coming at her. She had lost both parents by the time she was 36. Do you know how hard that is? I don't. She didn't know her grandparents. Her mother came from England so those grandparents lived overseas and how often do you think she saw them? Not very. Her dad married someone who wasn't from the church so the entire family was shunned. They didn't want anything to do with them..including the kids, my mom and her nine siblings. So they were all eachother had. They are the most awesome family you will ever meet. Gobs of stories from their childhood, but there's bound to be with 10 kids. And at every family get together, there are no fights and everyone enjoys eachothers company. It is amazing and I hope to carry it on with my family. My dad was always kind of hard for me to talk to, but I think that had something to do with him working a lot. We didn't get as much time with him as we did Mom. He is a worry wart. If we didn't come home by a certain time, he would go out searching for us even if he didn't even know where we were. It kind of annoyed me, but I can understand now why he worried. Your kids are everything to you and you don't want anything to happen to them. Dad took us on two vacations every year, one summer and one winter which was always Florida. I miss those times. Sometimes I miss living at home and being carefree again. I hope that maybe someday I can go on vactions with my family like we did with my grandparents down to Florida. The whole Terry Koch family on one big vacation. Now that sounds like fun!!