Everything’s Laid Out

Well I guess my parents told my brother about my pregnancy. It was sure nice of them to let me know they were telling him so I could have been prepared for the nasty email. I knew it was going to be bad, but it seems like they told him EVERY detail about what is going on in my life, money, pregnancy, everything. You can tell this once you read it....which I am letting everyone do. This way you can see what I deal with. This is why I don't have anything to do with him and why I always call my parents ahead of time before going over to visit to make sure he isn't there. I put a blog up last year from the email he sent me about not coming to Thanksgiving. In case you would like to read that as well. The title of that blog is 'my brother my problem' But here and now, here is what he sent me....enjoy:

Well I hope you're proud of yourself. You are a real winner as we all know. Congratulations. your life will now go nowhere. Not that it was going anywhere before. You have to be the most pathetic, selfish person I know. I would disown now except I'd already done that sometime ago. I will for sure pray for your child and pray that it will get some good parents who will actually raise it in a good home, not a house that cost $4,000 in the ghetto. I am going to school where when I graduate I will be making about $20 an hour. Just thought I'd let you know. So how much do you make? O wait your living below the poverty line and using medicaid. Nice Lindsey. Just think, at one point in time you were a sister in our church and could have gone somewhere. Too bad you blew it. I have faith Ashleigh won't tread down YOUR path. Of course there's still hope for you. But not as long as your with shit for brains. Yes please let him know I called him that. Someday I hope to get married and start a family with a decent Christian woman. Basically the criteria will be anyone not like you. So that narrows it down quite a bit. So I hope you're doing well otherwise. Maybe we can hang out sometime. Except I don't know if you have enough gas money to get out here. So maybe not. Well that's all for me. Have a good night.

Getting Kinda Nervous

Wow, so I'm really pregnant and I have this little life growing inside of me. This is just starting to really sink in now. I am responsible enough to be in charge of another human? I don't know, but I better figure it out quick!! I have felt little things in my belly, but I don't know if it's my little guy or just gas, cause for some reason I have been really gasy lately, I know too much info. I hope it's my guy. The thought of Vince supporting all three of us is really starting to get me nervous too. I added up all the bills and Vince doesn't make that much a month, plus child support will be coming out of his check soon and then that's even less money that we'll have. I'm so scared. I asked my parents if I could buy my grandma's car off of them and then sell my grand am to get rid of the loan I owe on it to CEFCU. That would save us a little money since my dad won't charge me interest. Also, I need to sell this frigin' house!! We want to sell it for the amount of the loan we have on it so we can get rid of that loan as well. But I don't know if people would be willing to pay $13,000 for a house in the south side that needs a lot of work. I've looked at other houses that were fixer uppers, and ours is decent, it still has it's walls up and some new cabinets and paint on the walls, but what we are asking is a lot of money, to me anyway. Who knows, maybe someone will want to turn it into a rental property. I would love to be a stay at home mom, but if we ever want to buy a nice house not in Peoria, we need my good credit. Vince has really bad credit so even if he makes lots of money, which he doesn't, how are we ever going to get a house loan? We won't unless I work and have the loan under both our names. I just want to take care of our baby. I just hope things start going right.

Getting Excited

I haven't had the chance to blog in a long time, or so it seems to me. Our internet was turned off as was our cable tv. But yet, they are still sending me bills for the month that I wasn't even allowed to use them, stupid Comcast!! So I'm going to the library or using people's wi-fi when I park outside their houses, shhh....don't tell. But anyway, things have changed a little. Vince has a job, thank goodness. He also is recruiting someone from his work to help with the new house and hopefully get it done soon. We haven't done any work on it for months now. The rain that we had last weekend...ummm yeah our ceiling caved in in the second bedroom from all the water and now it REALLY stinks in this house. I cannot wait to move!!

I'm not feeling so sick anymore, haven't thrown up for a few weeks now. I got my first sonogram last week and we are having a little boy!! I did want a girl, but I'll get over it. Now I'm getting excited though. I was so planning on having an epidural, but my mom told me she didn't have one with any of us 4 kids, so now I don't know if I should either. I guess I'll just see how bad the pain is once I get to that point. Won't be for a few more months though. My belly finally popped, but I'm still trying to hide it from my work, so I'm still wearing the baggy shirts, lol!! I've already gained 10 pounds and and hoping not too much more. I don't like looking like a whale, but I just keep hoping it'll be a 30 pound baby, lol, just kidding (that would really hurt)

I’m Not A Child

Some people can be so annoying. Ugh!! I'm 23 years old, I can make my own decisions. It's like everyone wants to get in on it and I'm getting sick of it. Like anytime I talk to my mom or anyone else in my family, they tell me I need to be in a steady relationship and I need to provide a good life for this child if I decide to keep it.....no, really?! So I tell them, things are going a lot better, Vince has a full time job now so money will be better, and every time I say this they butt in and remark, "It's not all about the money." Ok, when I've been the one to support us for the last year and have been struggling the entire time with bills and everything else to do with money, it is ALL ABOUT THE MONEY!!! Vince and I are in a good relationship. We've been together for four years and plan to get married. Neither of us believe in divorce and we want to find a church we can raise our child in. We want our child to go to a smaller school so there won't be such an influence of drugs and alcohol associated with the larger schools. We've planned our lives out already, we just hit a bump in the road finding out I am pregnant. If we fight, it's only about money. Money is our issue!!

On another note, about this whole adoption thing, people say there are so many couples out there that want a child and can't have one. And I was thinking, if couples are so desperate for a child, do they know there are hundreds of children in foster care that want a family? I just don't get it. I understand that couples want a newborn, but there are young children in the foster care, not babies, but still young. Also, people who want children fly all the way to China to get kids when there are so many here already. I guess the Chinese children are cheaper and easier to adopt, but still...come on. Don't be telling me to give up my baby, a baby that I would love to raise as my own, when there are so many other options for couples out there. Ok, well thanks for letting me vent. Ahhhh.... I feel better now :)

This Is It

Things are pretty much the same, I'm still sick as a dog almost every day. I've been working one night a week at Olive Garden because I was calling in so much and didn't want to get fired. So today I was doing the paper route and a wave of nausea comes over me and I feel like I'm going to hurl. I manage to hold it in, but then decide I better call Olive Garden and tell them I didn't feel good enough to work tonight.....again. I tell the manager and then she says, "Are you sure you want to stay on the schedule, you only work one night a week and you called in last week too." Oh I also called in only an hour before my shift was supposed to start, not the mandatory two hours, so I'm going to be written up, but I was feeling fine up until then. I told her I would come in Monday and tell them what I'm going to do. And I've already decided. I'm going to put in my two weeks notice. I have enough stress already, I don't need this too. One job is enough for me, especially since I'm prego!!

I'm going to WIC on Wednesday and hopefully everything goes ok with that. Hopefully I'll be able to get on LINK again too!! I was told, once I go to WIC I will get a temp. medical card and then will be able to go to the doctor, can't wait to see how far along I am!! I'll try to write .. once I go to WIC.

The Beginning of.....Who Knows

So a few weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, I haven't been tested by a doctor or anything, just a home pregnancy test, so who knows...maybe it's cancer. The night I found out, I balled my eyes out. I did not want this to happen right now. We are not financially stable and we aren't married. I don't want to have a baby and not be married, but yet I don't want to get married just because I am pregnant. I'm really confused right now. I've thought about putting the baby up for adoption and Vince is with me on this, but the only way this is going to happen is if we can find a good family or if Vince doesn't have a job by then. There is no way I am going to support all of us. My family wants me to put the baby up for adoption because they say that we can barely afford to feed ourselves; how are we going to feed a baby too. I totally understand that, but my mom's family wasn't rich and there were ten kids and she turned out fine. I need to go to WIC and see if I can get on that. I just wish I knew what to do. Vince has been wanting to get a job and now he says he really wants one. We almost broke up over this because I refuse to continue supporting him. We will be calling some staffing agencies in the next couple days and see if they hire felons. That is what is really hindering him, no one wants to hire a felon. He applied at some restaurants, who usually hire anybody, but we never heard anything back from them. If anybody knows of anywhere that would hire a felon, please let me know.

I've been sick almost everyday. I have no idea who came up with the term 'morning sickness' but it's a lie. I'm sick ALL day. Because of this, I have to call into Olive Garden all the time. They won't let me work since I keep throwing up and can't be around food. So right now all I'm doing is a paper route. I think that if I was able to eat healthier and eat more, I wouldn't feel so sick, but we can't afford to buy food. I want to please everybody, but there is no way to do it and I'm going crazy!! We haven't paid our internet bill for the past month and it will probably get turned off soon, so I don't know how often I'll be able to keep you updated on my situation. Everything revolves around money and I'm getting sick of all of this. We need help, but I really don't know what else to do.