College Student

I'm starting school tomorrow. I'm so excited! I always hated school when I was younger, but I really can't wait to go back. I'll only be taking two classes, a math class(yuck) and a psychology class. I wasn't sure if I was even going to school this fall. I only just fully decided in the last week. I had applied for a grant to go back to school in June. I did it online and after it was submitted it sent me an email telling me that based on my income I would get such and such amount. Awesome!! In July, I then got a letter from the state telling me that since so many people had applied and the state has no money, I will not be getting money to help with schooling. I was really bummed. The program I'm wanting to apply for requires you to take some classes before you even apply. If I wasn't getting the money, then I couldn't take the classes and then couldn't apply for the program. I have to apply by January 15, 2010 for the next school year. I know I probably won't get into the program for the 2010 year, but I'm hoping I can get into the 2011 year. If I wasn't able to take my classes I may not get into the program until 2012, which by that time Logan would be 3 years old and 5 when I graduate. I didn't want to wait that long. So you can see my dilemma with not getting the funding for school. Well, it just so happens that last week I get something from ICC telling me that I did get a federal grant and I will be able to go to school. Mind you, this was a week before school started. I'm still looking for a job and was hoping I could work my school schedule around my job, but with no job, that's kinda hard to do. I decided to just try and take some morning classes and hope I could get an afternoon/evening job. I go to ICC this past Thursday. I was able to get the psych class for the morning, but the only math class they had available was a night one. I decided to take it because I have to take it to apply for the program. I just hope any job I find will let me work around that class. Oh yes, and I'm planning on applying for the physical therapy assistant program.

Ok, so I think I mentioned this in an earlier blog, but I want Logan to eventually have another sibling. He does have Jason, but he's 6 years older than him and only a half brother. Of course I plan on being married before I have another baby. The thing is, Logan will be 4 years old when I graduate, if I get into the program in 2011. I really wanted Logan to have a closer sibling. I plan on getting a job once I get out of school and work for at least a year which will then make him 5 years old. I don't know how I feel about that. So I told Vince, if we could somehow plan it just right, we could have a baby in one of the summer semesters when I won't have school. He doesn't want to, but I'm hoping I can change his mind. It is a few years down the road after all. If we have another boy, I think they would be ok with being 5 years apart. But if it's a girl, then we might have some problems. It seems like siblings of the same sex get along better. Maybe it's just my family. Ashleigh and I are 6 years apart and we got along pretty good as kids. Now Ashleigh and Brandon are, correct me if I'm wrong mom, 7 years apart I believe. And let's just say they aren't always very civil to each other. But what do you think about trying to have a baby in the summer semester? Here I am talking about babies and I have a 6 month old, but I know the years are going to fly by so I should start planning now :)

Finished!!

Our house is pretty much finished! We only have a couple more pieces of laminate to lay and the quarter round and then the main floor is done!! It's so nice to have a house that is usable. We would still like to tile the bathroom on the main floor, but it's not a necessity. The upstairs isn't really quit finished yet either. We are going to re mud Logan's room and then paint. We'll also be getting different carpet for his room as well. My parents are getting new carpet in three of their rooms and they will be giving me some of the old carpet. That's wonderful because the carpet we have in there now stinks like pee. Now that the lead workers are done we can go full swing into his room. We really are needing to move him into his own room as soon as possible. He wakes up about three or four times a night now and I grab him up right away so he doesn't wake up Vince. If he's in his own room I can let him fuss for a bit to try and get himself fall back asleep.

We had our family reunion this past weekend and it went really well. It was hot and sticky, but Logan did good for the most part. I brought food for the first time. Normally I just let my mom bring everything, but I wanted to really be a part of it. I made a dessert with sponge cake, fruit and white chocolate and I also made lil' pigs in a blanket. Glad I used three packages of lil' smokies cause there were 76 people at the reunion so most of everything got ate up. My mom walked around with Logan most of the day and he was able to meet all his cousins. Everyone thinks he looks like Vince, but everyone on Vince's side thinks he looks like me so we really have no idea at this point.

I'm still on the hunt for a job. Things are starting to get really desperate at this point. We have property taxes due in October and they are going to be almost $2000. Vince barely makes enough each month to pay bills so coming up with this amount of money in two months would be a miracle. I was hoping I'd have a job by this time so we could have saved some money up to pay for these things, but alas, I still don't. The real problem is, if you don't pay taxes someone could pay them off and in essence, own our house. I do not want to lose my house over property taxes. We just finished a huge project on the house. Plus I don't know what we would do if that happened. I don't plan on moving, especially with Logan at such a young age. I just really, truly need a job....now!

Too Long

It's been a while since I've blogged, things have been pretty busy. Logan is getting his first teeth. He actually got them while he was four months old, kinda early I know. He was still too young to hold onto the teething ring so I was giving him tylenol. When the next teeth come in I think I'm going to try teething tablets. He's been grouchy so they may already be coming in....fun, fun. We are finally getting new windows. This is the only good thing that has come out of us living in the city. Our house is loaded with lead which can be very dangerous to a growing baby. So they replaced all the windows and are putting aluminum wrap around all the wood outside. It almost looks like a new house, I'm so excited!!! Now, we just need a new roof.

Vince and I were planning on moving out of this house in four years because there is no chance that I would ever let Logan go to Peoria schools. But now I'm thinking I really just want to move out now. The kids in the neighborhood have a total disregard for other people's property. A few evenings ago we were in the back yard grilling up some pork chops. I can see our front porch from the back yard. These three black kids come around our house and try jumping onto the newly painted porch by grabbing onto the wood and pulling themselves up and over. I was about to yell at them but then one of the turns around and sees me staring at him and he stops. Then they run around the other side of our house and who knows what they were doing then. I can't see that side from the back. I really don't want Logan growing up with kids like that. The parents obviously never taught their kids anything about respect. They just do whatever they please, like shooting off fireworks at 1 in the morning. Ugh!! I hate this city and it's inhabitants so much!!!! Speaking of the city, I have been trying to get a hold of my case worker for the past week now. I accidentally threw away a paper that I needed to redetermine my Medicaid benefits and I need to know what I should do because I can't loose these benefits, especially for Logan. She won't call me back which means I will have to go down to public aid and talk to them face to face. I know there are a lot of people in Peoria County that are on public aid, but come on a week and she still won't return my calls!! I hate to say this, but I think it's true; in Peoria they favor the blacks over whites, plus my case worker is also black which doesn't help me in the least. I'm only using the government's help for now while I'm struggling. I don't plan on being a burden to society for the rest of my life. I don't live on welfare, I plan on going back to school and making something of myself. I just wish my life would turn around faster than I want it to. I just takes time.

Did I Do Something Wrong?

When you think things can't get any worse, they always do. I'm not going to make my life seem all hunky dory because it's not. I'm struggling to make my relationship with Vince work. He always has to be right about everything. I'm getting tired of dealing with it all the time. My parents left for vacation today so yesterday I was visiting them with Logan and I stayed for dinner and then we all played a board game afterwards. My older brother was also there and we managed to get along pretty good which is rare. I really enjoyed spending time with them and knowing I wouldn't see them all for over a week made me not want to leave. While I was there I got a call from the health dept. telling me that they wanted to do a walkthrough of my house tomorrow to figure out what needed to be done about the lead. They were coming at 9am the next day. I called Vince to let him know they would be coming and he asked if I would be coming home soon so we could clean up the house. I told him I wanted to stay for a bit since they were leaving on vacation. So the night goes great. I load Logan into the car and head home and call Vince to let him know I had left. He procceds to get very angry with me for not coming home sooner and then hangs up the phone. I get home and the house is a mess!! He hadn't done a single thing. He couldn't even throw away the little bit of garbage that was in the living room. He didn't clean up after himself from his dinner and just left his pork chop bones sitting on the counter in the kitchen!! UGH!!! Why couldn't he have done anything?! I start cleaning up and yell at him for not doing anything. He's like, "You didn't come home on time so I didn't want to do anything" Meaning he's too selfish to do it himself and makes me clean it all. We went to bed mad at eachother and this morning he was still being an ahole. He throws his clothes around and knocks over the fan. I didn't make him breakfast or lunch I was so pissed with him!! When he gets out to the car he calls me and says that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, we just aren't working out. I seriously can't stand him sometimes, but I don't want to break up because Logan is WAY more important to me than anything else in this world. I really would like him to have a daddy and not have to go between houses. Vince rarely sees his other son and I don't want that to happen to Logan, he deserves better from a dad. I have been putting all of my energy into this relationship trying to make it work, but Vince is just like la di da about it. He really doesn't care. I'm at my wits end with everything. I don't know what to do. Logan doesn't deserve this, maybe I should have put him up for adoption.

Growing Up

Wow, I cannot believe that Logan is just over 4 months now. Time is going by way too fast. It's so awesome though to watch him grow. He's laughing and rolling over and grabbing at everything now. He is just such a joy! This coming up weekend is the Fourth of July and it will be Logan's first fireworks. I still remember last year's July 4th was when I told my friends that I was pregnant. That was a scary and very stressful time for me. I'm glad all that is behind me and now I have my amazing little boy. I have both the digital camera and the video camera all charged up for Saturday. I hope he likes the fireworks, but he isn't a fan of the loud noises so we'll just have to wait and see.

Nothing too exciting has been going on lately, other than Logan growing like a weed. I have, however, finally made up my mind that I am going back to school. I can't raise Logan like this. We live below the poverty line and I don't want him knowing we are poor. Vince doesn't have a hs diploma and doesn't want to take his GED so it seems I am the one stuck going to school and getting the good job. I would love for Vince to be the one making the money and letting me stay home with Logan, but it doesn't look like that will ever happen. I love Vince, but sometimes I really wish he would better assert himself. I am planning on applying for the physical therapy assistant program. I went and talked to an adviser and she said they only have 24 spots available every year and last year 54 people applied. So I'm guessing I probably won't get into the 2010 program, but will probably get into the 2011. There is a dilema that I am mulling over in my head. If I get into the 2011 program Logan will be 2. The program is two years long so when I finish Logan will be 4. I always wanted my children to be close in age just because they seem to enjoy a sibling that isn't a lot younger than them. I'm 3 yrs younger than my brother and we got along great as kids. My sister is 6 years younger than me and we didn't get along so great. I'm just afraid that I won't be able to have another baby until Logan is at least 5 years old and I hate that. Obviously, I can't have a a baby while I'm in school so it's just going to have to wait until I finish school, get a job and hold it for at least a year. This really bothers me. What do you think? Another thing with this is, Logan will be an only child(he has a half brother, but I don't know how close they'll be) and I'm afraid that he might become very angry when he finds out he is going to have to share mommy and daddy after 5 years of having us to himself. I can't put school on hold any longer, I will already be 28 by the time I graduate and that is too long in itself. So here I go, finally growing up. Becoming a parent changes your perspective of EVERYTHING!!!!

I Should Be Sleeping

Today has just been one of those days. Logan slept through the night last night, so I was actually able to get a little sleep. I think he must be going through a growth spurt because for the past few nights he's been getting up a few times. I usually just nurse him and back to sleep he goes. I have no idea how I am going to wean him, and I don't even exclusively breastfeed. The problem is, that he won't suck on a pacifier, so I'm having to use myself as a pacifier. I'm really going to have to get him to grow out of this soon. Next week he is going to be four months, I can't believe how fast the time is going!!! He's also going to the pedi. for his checkup and to get his shots, poor baby. I hate doing that. This time I'll remember to give him tylenol before we go. Next Sunday is Vince's birthday. His family reunion is also on that day so we'll just be going there. We hope to go out another day for his birthday, but we'll have to see how money is. I feel so bad, but I have no way of buying him a present. I just have absolutly no money. But that isn't really new news.

I've been complaining about getting a job lately, so today I called up Olive Garden and asked about getting my job back. Gerald, who is the GM, told me I would need to come in a fill out an application and then it just depends if they need anybody. I hope they do. This was my backup it I coudn't find a job! Plus there is a new service manager whom I have never met, so that's also playing against me. Oh I just hope I can get a job!! In other news, PAWS called me today and told me they found T-Bone again. Earlier I had told them that if they found him, they could keep him. I knew I would never be able to come up with money to get him out, and I just really didn't want to know about it. So I tell her that I can't afford to get him out, plus pay to get him neutered and she tells me that he will be euthinized. I really don't know why she had to tell me that. I asked her if it looked like he had been fought and she said no, he was actually found on my block. How could this happen. He's been in the area the whole time and I've never seen him!! Now I can't get the picture out of my head of them dragging him back to the room to be put to sleep. It just keeps playing in my head and I hate it. Why did she have to tell me, I didn't want to know!!! Before he got away the first time, he was the most awesome dog. He did what he was told and was just a very loving dog. We took him in as a puppy because his owners weren't allowed to keep him at the place they were renting. I loved that dog to pieces. I know my priorities have changed with having Logan, but I will always have a place in my heart for T-Bone. Here's to you T-Bone, may you rest in peace.

Are There Any Jobs Out There?

So as you know I've been looking for a job for the past two months and with no luck. Actually there was one place in Pekin that offered me a job, but it was full time and wanted me to start the next day which a couldn't do what with having a 3 month old and no baby sitter lined up. So I turned them down and now I'm glad I did. I actually found their job on craigslist and was looking there again today and someone posted something about this job saying "don't waste your time with them, they won't pay" Now this person may have been fired or just had a bad experience, but to me it's kind of a sign. I've been feeling so upset about turning down the job because it was really good money, so now that I see this, I'm feeling a LOT better. I am now seriously considering going back to work at Olive Garden just because I don't think I would have a problem getting my job back and plus it's better than nothing. And we REALLY need the money. Taxes were due a few days ago and we have no money to pay them at all so I need something so we can get back on our feet.

I'm going to go to ICC next week and talk with an advisor about going back to school. I'm thinking either medical assistant/coding or radiography. I'm planning on applying for both so hopefully I'll get into one of them. It won't be until next year though because the deadline for applying for the fall programs was back in January. It'll probably be easier to get a babysitter for Logan when he's one anyway. Vince and I were planning on staying in Peoria for five more years, right before Logan would go to school, but now there is just no way. I hate dealing with this city and the people are just so rude!! I don't want Logan growing up around that. I would LOVE to find a house in Tremont, that's my dream. But they are so expensive!! It would be so awesome if Logan could go to the same school I went to. I absolutly loved it there. Something else that I've been discussing with Vince is getting married somewhere else. He still doesn't want to get married at the courthouse and I can't get him to change his mind. So now we are thinking an outdoor wedding maybe in someone's backyard or a park. It has to be somewhere cheap. We would also have to hire someone to marry us, like a chaplain, but I don't think they are listed in the phone book, so I'm not really sure where to find them. If anyone has any info on a chaplain, please let me know. Vince is complaining of hunger so I better go feed him now, lol!!