For Family

Things have been pretty busy and it is hard for me to find the time to blog anymore. I usually just write about what has been going on in my life, but this time I want to do something different. I want to write about my family. I have a wonderful family and I love them to pieces. My older brother, though a little harsh at times, is a great person. He has some difficulty overcoming his disappointment in me, but I can understand why. I haven't made the last few years of his life easy. Everything I seem to do just makes things worse and worse. But from what my mom tells me he didn't really want a little sister anyway. Like, when I was little, he threw my toy into the closet and after I went in to grab it he locked me in there. I guess he used the toy as bait. Unfortunately, there was no key hole to unlock the door so my mom had to cut a hole in the door knob in order to get me out. I wonder if we still have that knob? Good times...don't remember it though.

My little sister is totally awesome. When I was a youngn' I prayed that God would give me a sister. When I was six, my prayers were answered with Ashleigh. After she was born, I didn't really want her. She would always follow me around and when my friends came over she had to be in on everything. But what younger sibling doesn't want to hang out with her older sister? We used to do this thing where we made this show called "The Lindsey and Ashleigh Show" We had one of those Fisher Price toys with the microphone and made a tape of our show. We'd just talk about random stuff, but it was really fun. Now she is a senior in high school. She has a boyfriend, I can't believe how fast she grew up. She was 13 when I moved out. I missed a lot of good years that I wish I hadn't. If I could go back, I would change a lot. I love my sister so much.

My little brother is such a drama king. I have never known someone to get so upset over the smallest things and he's only 10. He loves video games, especially anything to do with Spongebob. He also loves it when you watch him play video games and will talk your ear off about what he's done so far in the game. But if something goes wrong, watch out! He just gets his feelings hurt very easily, but he is such a sweetie. He doesn't like to lose, but unfortunately he is a sore loser and I hope he grows out of it. I don't have a lot of stories about Brandon since I moved out when he was only 5, again lots of good years I've missed. One thing, he is blonde haired and a lefty which is totally different from everyone else in the family. We are all dark haired and rightys. We told Mom that he was switched at birth. Recently we were watching some home movies and came across videos of baby Brandon and he looked exactly like Logan does at this age. So I guess he really is part of the family.

My parents are better than anyone could ask for. They put up with a lot of crap from me, but they still love me. I never understood that love until I had Logan...now I get it. My mom is beautiful and warm and loving. Even though she is more scary than Dad when she's angry, she is the one I can talk to about anything. Dad was the one who carried out with discipline, well I guess Mom did too with that notorius wooden spoon....ohhh that still gives me shudders. My Mom thinks she does too much for us kids and she's probably right, but we love her for it. But my mom had a lot coming at her. She had lost both parents by the time she was 36. Do you know how hard that is? I don't. She didn't know her grandparents. Her mother came from England so those grandparents lived overseas and how often do you think she saw them? Not very. Her dad married someone who wasn't from the church so the entire family was shunned. They didn't want anything to do with them..including the kids, my mom and her nine siblings. So they were all eachother had. They are the most awesome family you will ever meet. Gobs of stories from their childhood, but there's bound to be with 10 kids. And at every family get together, there are no fights and everyone enjoys eachothers company. It is amazing and I hope to carry it on with my family. My dad was always kind of hard for me to talk to, but I think that had something to do with him working a lot. We didn't get as much time with him as we did Mom. He is a worry wart. If we didn't come home by a certain time, he would go out searching for us even if he didn't even know where we were. It kind of annoyed me, but I can understand now why he worried. Your kids are everything to you and you don't want anything to happen to them. Dad took us on two vacations every year, one summer and one winter which was always Florida. I miss those times. Sometimes I miss living at home and being carefree again. I hope that maybe someday I can go on vactions with my family like we did with my grandparents down to Florida. The whole Terry Koch family on one big vacation. Now that sounds like fun!!

Working Mommy

I have decided that I don't want to get old. Working at Riverview has given me this realization. I don't want to be stuck in a wheel chair the last few years of my life. Some people just seem so miserable there and this isn't even a nursing home. Mom...I will never, ever put either you or dad in a nursing home. The job itself is decent, some of the residents are rude but for the most part, people are really nice. I've already gotten to know a few of them on a first name basis. I look at Logan and think, wow...the people living here used to be as small as him. It really makes you realize your mortality. Time just goes by way too fast. Actually, since having Logan, I have been thinking a lot more about life. Like my mom was 24 when she had Kevin. I was 23 when I had Logan. I knew both sets of my grandparents. Ashleigh is only six years younger than me and I don't think she remembers Grandma and Grandpa Gschwind. Just those few years and so much had changed. I was always close to my Grandpa Koch and lately I've been really missing him. I don't know why. Being around people in his generation at Riverview really makes it soak in. He's been gone for eight years already, wow. I just want Logan to have a good relationship with both sets of grandparents and his great aunts and great uncles. This really has nothing to do with the title of my blog at all, but it's been weighing on my heart. Sometimes I wish I could reset the clock and do things over. My grandma died knowing I was living in sin. I wish so badly I could have changed that. I must be the worst grand daughter on the planet. I just miss them so much. Maybe Riverview isn't the best place for me to be working...it's making me miss everyone that I've lost. I'm crying as I'm writing this. I think that's it for now.

Seriously?!

I am beyond stressed at this point!! Vince was going to be getting his first unemployment check on Friday, but now Sedona wants to fight him on it which means it could be a few weeks before he gets some money. Our bank accounts has $50 combined, maybe. The bills are starting to come in and we don't have the money to pay them so we are having to prioritize. Cilco we had to pay because of this budget billing we signed up for. If we don't pay the full amount ,which is $250 a month, they will shut off our service. Now we have DSL and satellite which we can't pay and will probably be disconnected and we also have cell phones. This is something that really needs to be paid; one, I'm trying to get a job and have to be able to take her calls to know what I need to do next in order to get closer to getting hired; two, Vince has to have an interview with unemployment later on in Sept and if we don't have cell phones we can't call thus losing his unemployment.

Riverview is the place I am trying to get hired at. I had an interview two weeks ago and still don't know if I will get a job. I've had to call them a few times to keep things rolling in the right direction. At the time of the interview I wasn't planning on going back to school, but later found out I could and signed up for a couple classes. One in the morning and one in the evening because this was supposed to be a job that would be in the afternoon. Also the only math class they had left was in the evening and I had to take it or couldn't apply for the program I want to get into. So I tell the lady in human resources that I am taking on evening class a couple nights a week and she tells me, "Well we might be looking for someone to work mornings, so that won't be a problem." What?! Now I don't know what to do. I might have to drop my morning class, but have to do it by Friday or I won't get a refund. I also have to sign up for another class because in order to keep my financial aid I need to be enrolled in at least 6 credit hours. If I drop the class I will only be in 5. I figured I could just move the class to evening with a different teacher, but was told that if you switch classes you need to have the same teacher. Now I am going to have to find a whole nother class. Most of them are filled up so I have no clue what I am going to do. I didn't want school and finding a job to be so stressful. I hope I can get this worked out. The stress is getting to me so bad, I just want to curl up in a ball and be left along for a few days. No money coming in, no jobs, school is getting screwed up....what am I supposed to do?

Updating

I really need to stay on top of this blogging. Sorry readers. Last week was a rough week for Logan. Tuesday was the day he was getting his skin tags removed from his ears. He was born with them and since Medicaid is covering all of it, we decided to go ahead and get them removed. Plus, they are noticeable and I didn't want him getting teased as he got older. The day of the "surgery" he wasn't allowed to have any formula 6 hours before he was to go under. Since all he really eats anymore is formula I had to make sure I had a stockpile of breast milk for the big day and had been pumping all week. He was allowed to have breast milk 4 hours before the procedure. So I wake him up early in the morning since his appointment was at 9am and feed him what breast milk I had stockpiled. That was around 6:30 am. I figured we would get there and have to wait a bit so I didn't do the 4 hours exactly. His "surgery" was taking place at the Center For Health which is right next to Shops at Grand Prairie. It was a very nice place. All the people were awesome, and I highly recommend it. We get checked in and have to wait for just a few minutes when the nurse comes out and calls us back. Logan gave her the biggest smile and was all bubbly and when she reached for him, he went right to her. I couldn't believe it! She carried him around for awhile and was saying he was so cute and he was making her want to have another baby, so cute. We walk back to the nurses station and on cue they all say, "Awwwww." Logan was in some pretty sanzy pj's, maybe that's why everyone was loving on him :) Once we get into our room where we put Logan into his gown and we wait and wait and wait some more. They brought a wagon over for us and we gave Logan a ride around the place. He was getting pretty hungry at this point and very fussy. I really don't know why they had us come in so early and we had to wait so long. He finally gets taken away from us around 11:30am and we go back into the waiting room until everything is over. It doesn't take long before they call only one of us back, of course mommy went, and my poor little man is screaming his head off. He has an IV in his hand and some monitor on his toe and some kind of stickers on his chest. He was not happy. I give him a bottle and nurse him, but he just isn't calming down, at which point they move him into recovery. Vince is there and Logan goes to him and calms down immediatly. He loves his daddy so much, it makes me jealous at times. They had already taken the IV and monitor off of him. I hated to see that IV in my little baby's hand. They told us we could remove the stickers from his chest. It was like ripping off a band aid. There were three stickers and Vince took them off and Logan grabbed his chest. I know it had to hurt. I hated seeing my baby in pain, I wanted to cry. His ears had been numbed and they told us that it would probably last for 6 hours and then we could give him Tylenol after that. On the right home, Logan conked out and took a nice long nap at home. Poor little guy, but I was glad to get it over with.

Friday was Logan's 6 month checkup, which also means shots. I think I hate those more than he does. He weighed 16 pounds 11 oz which is the 33 percentile. And he was 27.5 inches long which is the 83 percentile. My little man is tall and skinny. He eats like a pig, I guess it all must be going to his length. He only had three shots as opposed to the four he usually has. He was happy up until the shots, but once they were over he only sniffled for a little bit and then was was back to normal. So much better than last time where he screamed all the way out to the car and I had to give him a bottle to calm him down. Next checkup is at 9 months and I was informed, no shots!! Horray!!

College Student

I'm starting school tomorrow. I'm so excited! I always hated school when I was younger, but I really can't wait to go back. I'll only be taking two classes, a math class(yuck) and a psychology class. I wasn't sure if I was even going to school this fall. I only just fully decided in the last week. I had applied for a grant to go back to school in June. I did it online and after it was submitted it sent me an email telling me that based on my income I would get such and such amount. Awesome!! In July, I then got a letter from the state telling me that since so many people had applied and the state has no money, I will not be getting money to help with schooling. I was really bummed. The program I'm wanting to apply for requires you to take some classes before you even apply. If I wasn't getting the money, then I couldn't take the classes and then couldn't apply for the program. I have to apply by January 15, 2010 for the next school year. I know I probably won't get into the program for the 2010 year, but I'm hoping I can get into the 2011 year. If I wasn't able to take my classes I may not get into the program until 2012, which by that time Logan would be 3 years old and 5 when I graduate. I didn't want to wait that long. So you can see my dilemma with not getting the funding for school. Well, it just so happens that last week I get something from ICC telling me that I did get a federal grant and I will be able to go to school. Mind you, this was a week before school started. I'm still looking for a job and was hoping I could work my school schedule around my job, but with no job, that's kinda hard to do. I decided to just try and take some morning classes and hope I could get an afternoon/evening job. I go to ICC this past Thursday. I was able to get the psych class for the morning, but the only math class they had available was a night one. I decided to take it because I have to take it to apply for the program. I just hope any job I find will let me work around that class. Oh yes, and I'm planning on applying for the physical therapy assistant program.

Ok, so I think I mentioned this in an earlier blog, but I want Logan to eventually have another sibling. He does have Jason, but he's 6 years older than him and only a half brother. Of course I plan on being married before I have another baby. The thing is, Logan will be 4 years old when I graduate, if I get into the program in 2011. I really wanted Logan to have a closer sibling. I plan on getting a job once I get out of school and work for at least a year which will then make him 5 years old. I don't know how I feel about that. So I told Vince, if we could somehow plan it just right, we could have a baby in one of the summer semesters when I won't have school. He doesn't want to, but I'm hoping I can change his mind. It is a few years down the road after all. If we have another boy, I think they would be ok with being 5 years apart. But if it's a girl, then we might have some problems. It seems like siblings of the same sex get along better. Maybe it's just my family. Ashleigh and I are 6 years apart and we got along pretty good as kids. Now Ashleigh and Brandon are, correct me if I'm wrong mom, 7 years apart I believe. And let's just say they aren't always very civil to each other. But what do you think about trying to have a baby in the summer semester? Here I am talking about babies and I have a 6 month old, but I know the years are going to fly by so I should start planning now :)

Finished!!

Our house is pretty much finished! We only have a couple more pieces of laminate to lay and the quarter round and then the main floor is done!! It's so nice to have a house that is usable. We would still like to tile the bathroom on the main floor, but it's not a necessity. The upstairs isn't really quit finished yet either. We are going to re mud Logan's room and then paint. We'll also be getting different carpet for his room as well. My parents are getting new carpet in three of their rooms and they will be giving me some of the old carpet. That's wonderful because the carpet we have in there now stinks like pee. Now that the lead workers are done we can go full swing into his room. We really are needing to move him into his own room as soon as possible. He wakes up about three or four times a night now and I grab him up right away so he doesn't wake up Vince. If he's in his own room I can let him fuss for a bit to try and get himself fall back asleep.

We had our family reunion this past weekend and it went really well. It was hot and sticky, but Logan did good for the most part. I brought food for the first time. Normally I just let my mom bring everything, but I wanted to really be a part of it. I made a dessert with sponge cake, fruit and white chocolate and I also made lil' pigs in a blanket. Glad I used three packages of lil' smokies cause there were 76 people at the reunion so most of everything got ate up. My mom walked around with Logan most of the day and he was able to meet all his cousins. Everyone thinks he looks like Vince, but everyone on Vince's side thinks he looks like me so we really have no idea at this point.

I'm still on the hunt for a job. Things are starting to get really desperate at this point. We have property taxes due in October and they are going to be almost $2000. Vince barely makes enough each month to pay bills so coming up with this amount of money in two months would be a miracle. I was hoping I'd have a job by this time so we could have saved some money up to pay for these things, but alas, I still don't. The real problem is, if you don't pay taxes someone could pay them off and in essence, own our house. I do not want to lose my house over property taxes. We just finished a huge project on the house. Plus I don't know what we would do if that happened. I don't plan on moving, especially with Logan at such a young age. I just really, truly need a job....now!

Too Long

It's been a while since I've blogged, things have been pretty busy. Logan is getting his first teeth. He actually got them while he was four months old, kinda early I know. He was still too young to hold onto the teething ring so I was giving him tylenol. When the next teeth come in I think I'm going to try teething tablets. He's been grouchy so they may already be coming in....fun, fun. We are finally getting new windows. This is the only good thing that has come out of us living in the city. Our house is loaded with lead which can be very dangerous to a growing baby. So they replaced all the windows and are putting aluminum wrap around all the wood outside. It almost looks like a new house, I'm so excited!!! Now, we just need a new roof.

Vince and I were planning on moving out of this house in four years because there is no chance that I would ever let Logan go to Peoria schools. But now I'm thinking I really just want to move out now. The kids in the neighborhood have a total disregard for other people's property. A few evenings ago we were in the back yard grilling up some pork chops. I can see our front porch from the back yard. These three black kids come around our house and try jumping onto the newly painted porch by grabbing onto the wood and pulling themselves up and over. I was about to yell at them but then one of the turns around and sees me staring at him and he stops. Then they run around the other side of our house and who knows what they were doing then. I can't see that side from the back. I really don't want Logan growing up with kids like that. The parents obviously never taught their kids anything about respect. They just do whatever they please, like shooting off fireworks at 1 in the morning. Ugh!! I hate this city and it's inhabitants so much!!!! Speaking of the city, I have been trying to get a hold of my case worker for the past week now. I accidentally threw away a paper that I needed to redetermine my Medicaid benefits and I need to know what I should do because I can't loose these benefits, especially for Logan. She won't call me back which means I will have to go down to public aid and talk to them face to face. I know there are a lot of people in Peoria County that are on public aid, but come on a week and she still won't return my calls!! I hate to say this, but I think it's true; in Peoria they favor the blacks over whites, plus my case worker is also black which doesn't help me in the least. I'm only using the government's help for now while I'm struggling. I don't plan on being a burden to society for the rest of my life. I don't live on welfare, I plan on going back to school and making something of myself. I just wish my life would turn around faster than I want it to. I just takes time.